Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ben Franklin started 1st Colonial Printing Press using Hemp paper. Not saying he smoked it. Lots of sober guys fly kites in Thunderstorms.

   Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't meant it either.

   New Trojan add: When you want the meat but not the gravy.

   If you don't use 1:11, 2:22 or 3:33 when starting the microwave you have yet to unlock my level of laziness.

   Ladies that don't know what to get your man for valentines day, I have your answer...Forget the cutesy stuff!!! Get alcohol, feed him Red Meat and have sex with him wearing red and pink. Trust me I'm a guy...

   If you're a hacker… here's my password ●●●●●●●●●●●●●

   A tooth allegedly belonging to John Lennon is being put up for auction… you know times are bad when the Tooth-fairy needs cash...

   Once I'm finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.

   You'd be surprised how people get the words "f*ck off" confused with "please continue."

   (on facebook) Friend 1: ugh, I feel so crap I hate my life. Friend 2: aww babe whats wrong??. Friend 1: inbox? Friend 2: yeah okay. Rest of us: well f*ck you then.

   The porn industry needs to realize that a 42 year old woman in pigtails and knee high socks isn't "Barely Legal".

   It doesn't take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.

   Ghetto pronunciation: Bathroom = Baafrumm, Refrigerator = Fridgerataa, Remote = Moken Troll.

   You know things must've gotten serious when you see a gold hoop earring laying in the Walmart parking lot.

   I leaked a sex tape of myself 3 months ago. It has 14 hits! Those hits are from me checking to see how many hits it has :/

   I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...

   You don't know fear until you hear someone cough underneath your bed.

   Yay! I can now afford the iPhone 4!

   My Dr told me to start my exercise program slowly, so today I drove past a store that sells sweatpants..

   Love is.......having sex with someone when you're sober.