Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anybody know if their is a place hiring someone too stand there and look pretty cuz I have a PhD in that sh*t...

   So I hear Sandusky's Santa application has been rejected...

   I bet some of the dumber wolves howl at the sun.

   I just saw a disclaimer that said "don't try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.

   To be is to do (Immanuel Kant). To do is to be (Jean-Paul Sartre). Doo be doo be dooo (Frank Sinatra).

   I bet midgets are very busy this time of year... with all of the elf jobs and such...

   Does anyone else think that when Tolkien wrote "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards for they are subtle and quick to anger" he just substituted "Wizard" for "Women"?

   We would have a lot more time if we didn't have "Loading" time.

   I understand how people feel when they see their ex with someone else. I feel the SAME way when I see the pizza guy at somebody else house

   Free Clinic my ass.....I just spent $1.75 on a pop from the vending machine.

   I was in a bar the other night, moving from stool to stool trying to get lucky... but there wasn't gum under any of them."

   Just told the waitress her arss look like two kids playing under a blanket...

   I'm gon' do it, gon' do it Gon' do it, do it, do it

   It took me 10 miles of driving and almost running a grandma off the road before I figured out how to change the clock in the car with 1 hand today. I felt victorious and did a fist pump.

   Wet wipes are tissues who like to party.

   it is "Poke a CNA" week, they have it rough, let's show them some love...

   My wifes poor ovaries.. They keep producing eggs, like those Japanese soldiers on a Pacific island who don't know the war is over.

   You know you've had a good wank when you have no idea where it landed.

   If I could only bottle this feeling I'm feeling right now, then the world would be able to experience my slightly annoyed indifference!

   "I don't care what X-MEN did at the box office." -Godzilla