Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We would have a lot more time if we didn't have "Loading" time.

   I understand how people feel when they see their ex with someone else. I feel the SAME way when I see the pizza guy at somebody else house

   Free Clinic my ass.....I just spent $1.75 on a pop from the vending machine.

   I was in a bar the other night, moving from stool to stool trying to get lucky... but there wasn't gum under any of them."

   Just told the waitress her arss look like two kids playing under a blanket...

   I'm gon' do it, gon' do it Gon' do it, do it, do it

   It took me 10 miles of driving and almost running a grandma off the road before I figured out how to change the clock in the car with 1 hand today. I felt victorious and did a fist pump.

   Wet wipes are tissues who like to party.

   it is "Poke a CNA" week, they have it rough, let's show them some love...

   My wifes poor ovaries.. They keep producing eggs, like those Japanese soldiers on a Pacific island who don't know the war is over.

   You know you've had a good wank when you have no idea where it landed.

   If I could only bottle this feeling I'm feeling right now, then the world would be able to experience my slightly annoyed indifference!

   "I don't care what X-MEN did at the box office." -Godzilla

   Your single but not looking... Oh your one of those chronic masturbators

   First scoop of Mars soil contains 2% water, now all we need is malt, hops, and yeast and life would be all good.....

   Sometimes, life is like a jar of jalapenos.... What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

   Sometimes life is like a profile picture....you have to ''crop'' people out that no longer deserve to be ''in the picture"

   Headline in the paper: "Woman beats off rapist!" Well, that was probably a fair trade anyway.

   Never trust a woman who doesn’t fart. You don’t know what else she might be holding back.

   People who have never had a suicidal thought have probably never touched a wet public bathroom door knob.