Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tomorrow Tiger should say "I blame this sh*t on NIKE, they said just do it"

   -- The most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position... The husband sits and begs for it while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

   It's for freakin hot that I bet that there are some women ovulating poached eggs.

   Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button

   I just renamed my external hard drive "That Thang", so when I plug it in to the computer it asks me - Would You Like To Back "That Thang" up?

   Some people say the greatest joy is having a kid, but those people never driven a 600hp V10 BMW M6.

   If I die, I'm gonna become a ghost....... and watch attractive people shower....

   Just got pulled over for going 73mph in a 55mph. After the 20 min lecture the Officer said he was giving me a warning as he handed me a slip to sign... I looked at him puzzled so he says "April Fools!"...jerk

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed.

   tha a scar on your face? oh sorry thats just your mouth.

   Im still waiting for customer service but Ive exhausted all my dance moves to their hold music, now damn what?

   The lil bro said he heard a noise in his closet so he wanted me too do a monster check just to make sure...So I did even tho I tried to explain that if the monster is in the closet hes probably not that scary...maybe a lil glittery...but not scary

   Pac-Man teaches kids to eat as many pills as possible before you are caught. Thats so not cool Pac-Man!

   you know the economy is bad when you get a check from the government and it bounces! Good luck my fellow Americans

   When people "Like" the problems people post on facebook, do they actually like the idea of that person going through the problem?

   Geting your wife two gifts but telling her one is for my Wife and the other is for my Lover is not a good idea. because she wont get it

   On my third cup of coffee and the day is looking real good. I think its going to be a great day. Did I mention its going to be a fantastic day.......

   To file a complaint, click the x on tha top right corner of your screen!

   I'm playing hide-and-seek with my kid... He'll never find me... He's not old enough to get into the bar...

   We are born wet, naked, and hungry. Then things get worse