Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Daytona 500 happens tomorrow. I can't wait to miss it.

   The side effects of the medicine I just took include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   I like my Women like I like my Beer....Pale, Full Bodied, Icy Cold and Delivered to me by a Wagon pulled by Clydesdales....

   Forgot to go too the gym today. That's 3 years in a row

   6.9 billion people, 6.9 billion different opinions about life, the world, and God.

   I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

   General Public: We can't pay rent or the mortgage. Media: LOOK!! The orange haired guy said CHINESE VIRUS again!!

   Tomorrow Tiger should say "I blame this sh*t on NIKE, they said just do it"

   -- The most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position... The husband sits and begs for it while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

   It's for freakin hot that I bet that there are some women ovulating poached eggs.

   Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button

   I just renamed my external hard drive "That Thang", so when I plug it in to the computer it asks me - Would You Like To Back "That Thang" up?

   Some people say the greatest joy is having a kid, but those people never driven a 600hp V10 BMW M6.

   If I die, I'm gonna become a ghost....... and watch attractive people shower....

   Just got pulled over for going 73mph in a 55mph. After the 20 min lecture the Officer said he was giving me a warning as he handed me a slip to sign... I looked at him puzzled so he says "April Fools!"...jerk

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed.

   tha a scar on your face? oh sorry thats just your mouth.

   Im still waiting for customer service but Ive exhausted all my dance moves to their hold music, now damn what?

   The lil bro said he heard a noise in his closet so he wanted me too do a monster check just to make sure...So I did even tho I tried to explain that if the monster is in the closet hes probably not that scary...maybe a lil glittery...but not scary

   Pac-Man teaches kids to eat as many pills as possible before you are caught. Thats so not cool Pac-Man!