Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "So cute! Do you think he'd fit in a crock pot?" The people at this dog shelter have like *no* sense of humor.

   Happy pagan fertility goddess and spring solstice worship holiday everyone!!

   whats long and black?........the unemployment line!

   looking for nemo

   I was going to call my bank and report fraud until I realized it was 𝑴𝑬 that spent all my money.

   I'm atheist. Swear to god.

   "Women are like cell phones, they love to be held, they love to be talked to, but if you push the wrong button, you'll be disconnected,"!

   Daytona 500 today! In related news, I'm watching some paint dry.

   Let government take care of the weak, the strong can take care of themselves.

   I'm furious at how fast people jokkke about celebrity deaths on the internet.

   Life isn't like a box of chocolate. It's more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow..

   I'm at my wife's company Christmas party and there is like zero pus sy here. I hate Christmas.

   what did Micahel Jackson Love about twenty five year olds........there was 20 of em

   The Daytona 500 happens tomorrow. I can't wait to miss it.

   The side effects of the medicine I just took include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   I like my Women like I like my Beer....Pale, Full Bodied, Icy Cold and Delivered to me by a Wagon pulled by Clydesdales....

   Forgot to go too the gym today. That's 3 years in a row

   6.9 billion people, 6.9 billion different opinions about life, the world, and God.

   I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

   General Public: We can't pay rent or the mortgage. Media: LOOK!! The orange haired guy said CHINESE VIRUS again!!