Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just ask Tommy. Hilfiger it out.

   Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she's still there.

   Your fingers or mine? - LESBIANS

   Donald Sterling, Solange, and Michael Sam walk into a bar,,,,who am I kidding, Donald Sterling would NEVER was into a bar with either of them.....

   When things in your life don't add up, use math. It solves problems!

   Last night during some role play my wife dressed up as Lara Croft. The effort was nice but she reminded me more of a fridge raider.

   Hard to believe Amy Winehouse "vapor locked" today....I always thought that heroine, speed, crack and booze were part of the 4 basic food groups.

   Bazaar Magazine's new cover features Lady Gaga on it without any makeup or crazy wigs on. P Diddy says she needs to change her name like he did. Might I suggest Lady Gag Gag?

   I'm amazed at how much I reminisce about you, especially when I'm dropping a load.

   Good Morning , I see the assassins have failed

   Facebook = Heavily populated city. Twitter = Just a vacation spot. Myspace = A ghost town.

   When I realized that a bus stops at a bus station and a train stops at a train station, I finally understood why my boss calls his desk a "Work Station".

   I think the next reality show should be called "Taking out the Kartrashians." People get to beat them all up and stack them by the curb.

   I hope men who treat women like sh!t have figured out how to suck their own tiny c0cks.

   how imagine if gilbert godfrey got Fran Drescher pregnant...omg what an annoying voice that kid would have

   Who spelled Licorice that way? It sounds like rice got some lice not delicious candy

   What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers? Well hung

   Lebron: I'm proposing to my girl. Kobe: with what?

   Suicide is never the answer. Unless the question is, "What should Justin Bieber's next career move be?"

   If a mentally challenged kid is late for class, is it ok to call him tardy