Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd appreciate it if the phone company just delivered the phone books straight to my recycle bin.

   "never on schedule, but always on Facebook."

   Relationships are like tattoos. They seem a good idea at the time.

   I'm tired of chasing my dreams...gonna jus ask them where they're going and meet them there later.

   If I ever write thanks as thx you have full permission to smack me.

   Hoes Love buying Sharpies so they can draw on their eyebrows like this (^_^) (~_~) (`_`) ("_") (-_-) (/_\) (-_=) (~_^) (-_~) (*_~)

   Maybe the government clamping down on the internet isn't such a bad thing. The only thing I ever got off of Craigslist was chlamydia!

   Note to self: Try not to run out of TP the day after thankgiving....Now I'm gonna need a 40 ounce beer and a few "disco biscuits" to deal with all these "Black Friday" freaks!

   Who wears the pants in the relationship? No one when it all goes well ;)

   People who make noises with their chewing gum should be put to death. I just decided.

   I'm not a ra*cist,,,,ra*cism is a crime and crime is only for blacks.

   terrified of being offline

   I hate the feel of wrinkly hands in the bath. Grandad's pretty persistent though.

   give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, give a man a religeon, he'll starve to death praying for a fish

   due to the economic crisis is now only "pimping his profile".

   Ur mama is so ugly when she walks past the bathroom the toilet flushes itself.

   Never date a tennis player; to them love means nothing.

   wonders why it is "cool" to throw up the PEACE sign in pictures? You look retarded with your head twisted to the side and holding up the peace sign...

   Dr. Phil and Oprah..two of the most over-rated influences on America EVER!!!!!

   I got a dig bick. You this read wrong. You read that wrong too.