Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alcohol is like a push-up bra for your personality.

   has forgotten which sock goes on which foot

   The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign langauge is, "I know you guys are talkin sh!t about me."

   Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

   Spent 45 mins having a stare off with this arrogant prick two tables down at Lunch. Then he got up and grabbed his blind person cane. S$it.

   HIM: “"Promise you'll love me forever." HER: “WTF?!? I don't even love you now.”

   If my love, honesty, and loyalty aren't good enough for you...the guy in line behind you would love for you to move on.

   girl I'm friends with on Facebook recently broke up with her boyfriend and now I know all the lyrics to Taylor Swift's first cd

   It's a good thing Apple wasn't in charge of New Year. We'd all be expecting 2012 and get 2011S instead.

   Cant Stop Crying :( Maybe I should get away from these onions.

   I'm playing the "Tetris" background music in my head when I load the dishwasher,,,,, Awesome

   So what does it mean if I open a fortune cookie and there is no fortune in it? your thoughts please.

   If you sleep with someone, then try to sneak out in the morning, you are an ASS! First you have to delete your number from their phone, THEN sneak out. Come on people, use your heads.

   Trick or Treating at the strip clubs never been better, I'm so glad Candys working tongiht!!

   I would enjoy my trip to the dentist's more if I could figure out why it is necessary to remove my pants for a checkup.

   If you think about it, most of your friendships stay in the "humor zone", where silences are awkward and must be resolved with laughs. Deep friendships allow you to be yourself instead of just a comedian.

   Commercials for toilet paper make it seem like I'll be cuddling with the ish instead of wiping with it...

   Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared.

   If you leave out Weight Watchers cookies I will burn your house down. - SANTA

   MURDERERS: Don't button your shirt all the way up to the top button or people will know you're a murderer.