Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pissing me off is like kissing a Rattle Snake... it's just not a good idea.

   It makes me sad when people say they married their best friend, mainly cuz marriage between a man & beer will never be legal.

   remember guys, no matter how hot she is, some dude is sick of her $hit...

   I don't understand fast food. I've been eating it for years but I seem to be getting slower and slower.

   Accidental death from an overdose of laxatives would be... (remove your shades) ...a shi**y way to die.

   I want to start a radio station that only plays music by people who play instruments.

   If you have likes on all your pictures by the same person>>>>>>>you have a stalker

   Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck one of Obamacare.org sticker on it... Now it sucks just fine

   I am an agnostic. I have no problem with any faith...unless that faith tries to impose laws on me based on their faith. Then we have a problem.

   going to read your status updates through a kaleidoscope... it's more fun that way.

   I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

   Nails didn't keep Christ to the cross, His love for you did. Have a Happy Easter.

   You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate!

   Too many hollier than thou people with no sense of humour around.

   Watching Obama's press conference.... so far all I've gotten out of it is that gay soldiers are going to win the future in electric cars.

   I'm setting Casey Anthony up on a blind date with my friend Dexter Morgan, who is also from Florida.

   Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers?

   If she's a member of Kony's army...she's too young for you bro

   I keep writing "2015" on all my checks because I hope to have money by then.

   Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won't be the worst reason we ever went to war.