Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I once dated a girl who wrote mystery novels. Her handjobs always ended with a surprise twist.

   I hope your couch pulls out cause I don't!

   Maybe we should be focusing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.

   It just dawned on me that Flo from the Progressive commercials is somebody's Aunt.....

   My girlfriend can't wrestle, but you should see her box.

   So I'm flying to England and the flight attendant asks me if I want dinner. I asked her what my choices were. She said, "Yes or no."

   1 universe, 8 planets, 204 countries, 804 islands, 7 seas, 7 billion people, and you're still single? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAGAHA, me too.

   Pissing me off is like kissing a Rattle Snake... it's just not a good idea.

   It makes me sad when people say they married their best friend, mainly cuz marriage between a man & beer will never be legal.

   remember guys, no matter how hot she is, some dude is sick of her $hit...

   I don't understand fast food. I've been eating it for years but I seem to be getting slower and slower.

   Accidental death from an overdose of laxatives would be... (remove your shades) ...a shi**y way to die.

   I want to start a radio station that only plays music by people who play instruments.

   If you have likes on all your pictures by the same person>>>>>>>you have a stalker

   Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck one of Obamacare.org sticker on it... Now it sucks just fine

   I am an agnostic. I have no problem with any faith...unless that faith tries to impose laws on me based on their faith. Then we have a problem.

   going to read your status updates through a kaleidoscope... it's more fun that way.

   I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

   Nails didn't keep Christ to the cross, His love for you did. Have a Happy Easter.

   You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate!