Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just changed my FB to "in a relationship with vodka which gets complicated after downing shots of tequila

   Just logged into Twitter instead of Facebook and I now feel like I shouted out the wrong name in bed.

   If you can't be happy, at least you can be drunk.

   The sugar high of fun dip started to not be enough. This time I added adderal to the bag. I'll let you know how it goes. 

   Girls are unique,,, they want you to know how they feel but they don't want to tell you

   Dear Justin Bieber, Just because you have money...doesn't mean that you're mature. Grow up, smarten up, or shut the hell up! Thanks, People

   Update: an update has been well described as the process whereby the update of a person becomes the update of another without passing through the mind of either.

   my gf broke up with me yesterday, her husband insisted.

   he doesn't even get swallowed, discovery channel is losing all credibility

   people who have to say "i was being sarcastic" should stop trying to be something they are not good at.

   Lately I think about my hands around your neck a lot.

   If it can't be fixed with a butter knife, I'm out.

   My life is just a series of flight or flight responses.

   Its probably safe to just start calling him "LL J"

   Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.

   Had a dream I banged Ellen Degeneres.... or a dude that looked like her. Its a little foggy.

   My kid will eat anything you put in front of him as long as its chicken nuggets.

   it possible to have been bitten by a radioactive sloth without knowing it? Can't find any other explanation for my symptoms.

   Could you just make my paycheck out to the liquor store? Thanks.

   If you don't like someone, fart in their microwave and set it for 15 minutes