Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never trust a pretty face on a dating site

   The new Season of 'Walking Dead' premiers tonight. I will be watching it instead of the Grammy's. Not as many zombies....

   3-way stops make me think that one of the stops doesn't really want to do it, but wants to make the others happy.

   Shakira attacked by a Sea Lion.. early reports show that it could attack again whenever, wherever

   I like to people watch. Mainly when they're in the shower

   sometimes when I read certain things it's like having my eyes raped by stupidity.

   presidents day = SALES..thanks for running our country, Ima celebrate with new socks and a plunger

   I gave my kid a happy meal, but it's not working,

   Just changed my FB to "in a relationship with vodka which gets complicated after downing shots of tequila

   Just logged into Twitter instead of Facebook and I now feel like I shouted out the wrong name in bed.

   If you can't be happy, at least you can be drunk.

   The sugar high of fun dip started to not be enough. This time I added adderal to the bag. I'll let you know how it goes. 

   Girls are unique,,, they want you to know how they feel but they don't want to tell you

   Dear Justin Bieber, Just because you have money...doesn't mean that you're mature. Grow up, smarten up, or shut the hell up! Thanks, People

   Update: an update has been well described as the process whereby the update of a person becomes the update of another without passing through the mind of either.

   my gf broke up with me yesterday, her husband insisted.

   he doesn't even get swallowed, discovery channel is losing all credibility

   people who have to say "i was being sarcastic" should stop trying to be something they are not good at.

   Lately I think about my hands around your neck a lot.

   If it can't be fixed with a butter knife, I'm out.