Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet when Snooki's water breaks, it's gonna smell like someone smashed a bottle of Axe Body Spray on the ground.

   Roman Soldier walks into a bar , holds up 2 fingers and says "Five beer Please"

   Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

   Here's a little bit of advice for you.. advi

   Seeing a spider is nothing, it becomes a problem when it disappears

   I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry.

   If you’re in a long distance relationship… ask for a picture of their genitals. If they’re shaved, they’re cheating on you.

   If you think about it, puff puff pass is just like the grown up version of duck duck goose.

   Don't mess with turtles...because sometimes, if you're Italian, they'll throw hammers at you

   Watched my first Baseball Game of the year and can't understand why they sing, "Take Me Out to the Ballpark"? Duh......aren't you already at the ballpark if you're singing that song???

   believes a day spent wasted is never a wasted day!

   out making some changes in his life...leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I don't return your message your one of the changes

   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

   I was suppose to let you all know the Procrastinators Club will meet last Thursday......

   HEY EVERYBODY ON FACEBOOK!! MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION!!....i'm so humble..ok..that is all...

   sending a text message and sitting the phone between their legs on vibrate..

   Apple just introduced the IdoucheBag, to carry your Ipod, Ipad, and Ipone.

   If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight..

   Since I'm now single, if I broke my hand could I put "it's complicated" as my relationship status?

   Just invented the funnest work game ever: while on the phone with a man call him ma'am. Listening to them deepen their voices is hilarious!