Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio.

   Me: Hey, how's it going? Her: *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* Hey

   Pastor Joel Osteen won't open his Houston ⛪ church that can hold 16,000 for hurricane victims because it only provides shelter from taxes.

   3 Jobs that changed the world: HAND, BLOW and STEVE!

   Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. I'll be coloring your hair today. Prepare to dye.

   If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

   I don't mean to denigrate women. (Ladies, "denigrate" means to put-down or patronize.)

   I've been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out & my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.

   I just dropped my bong and it broke :, ( life is cruel!!

   I helped my neighbor move a super heavy couch last night and he didn't even thank me. That's ok, his wife thanked me on it today. Twice.

   I bet when Snooki's water breaks, it's gonna smell like someone smashed a bottle of Axe Body Spray on the ground.

   Roman Soldier walks into a bar , holds up 2 fingers and says "Five beer Please"

   Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

   Here's a little bit of advice for you.. advi

   Seeing a spider is nothing, it becomes a problem when it disappears

   I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry.

   If you’re in a long distance relationship… ask for a picture of their genitals. If they’re shaved, they’re cheating on you.

   If you think about it, puff puff pass is just like the grown up version of duck duck goose.

   Don't mess with turtles...because sometimes, if you're Italian, they'll throw hammers at you

   Watched my first Baseball Game of the year and can't understand why they sing, "Take Me Out to the Ballpark"? Duh......aren't you already at the ballpark if you're singing that song???