Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep. :(

   If McDonalds sold hot dogs you wouldn't be able to, with a straight face, order a McWiener and tell them to supersize it.

   Whoa!!!!! The McRib is back in McDonald's....next thing you know they may go back to putting real meat in the hamburgers!!!!!

   Want to surprise your boyfriend? Introduce him to your girlfriend.

   If you rearrange the letters in CAPS LOCK you get C0CK SLAP!

   If I could be a superhero, I'd be Aluminum Man... My superpower would be foiling crime

   I guess orange is officially the new black

   I love rude waiters/waitresses...I don't have to be GUILTY for not tipping them. I only had money for the food anyway

   Some Girls are as easy to get over as they were to get under... Just Sayin'

   id hate to be a vegetarian in Russia....everything suddenly tastes a little meteor

   If God gave you a good singing voice, sing loud in church to give thanks. If God gave you a bad singing voice, sing loud in church to get even.

   A Christian asked me what it's like to be an Athiest. I asked him if he beileved in Islam. He said "no", I said "like that.." :)

   The way Obama keeps blaming everything on George W. Bush... I really don't think Bush has a chance of winning the election!

   Don't underestimate the power of a fresh, odorless, clean and well-maintained puss y, Ladies.

   thinking 9000 people are having sex right now, 2000 are kissing, 1000 getting head and you are reading my status. Hang in there sunshine

   Something smells in Washington...I think they have a little B.O. problem...

   If your phone gets wet, try putting it in rice over night. This will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.

   Hmmm,,, Is there any way we can get Trump in a "Truman Show" thing where he thinks he won and is president,,, and we can watch what he does?

   By all that is holy... Jessica Biel better name her baby Batmo when he's born...

   If you didn't want her 6 years ago, why do you want her now?