Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   watched the Olympic snowboard competition last night. Woke up with a sore back.

   was driving down the highway today and tried to identify what kind of car was coming up behind me. Then it hit me! Duh... a Toyota.

   Tomorrow, I'm gonna write a blog post about procrastination.

   They say "don't drink and drive" but yesterday I was drinking a juice box while on my tricycle. It made me feel dangerous!

   I'm not that big on Volcanic Ash... I'm more of a Volcanic boob man!

   F*ck the real world,let's all just be pirates!

   T-Pain, 50 Cent,Drake, Nelly, Kanye West, LIL Wayne, Soulja Boy and numerous rappers from down south, you are all wanted for the murder of HIP HOP, HIP HOP was last seen in the late 90's and has disapeared since.

   All my friends keep saying they want a "dislike" button on Facebook. Personally, I think it would be a lot more fun with a "that's what she said" button

   I love rude waiters/waitresses...I don't have to be GUILTY for not tipping them. I only had money for the food anyway

   Some Girls are as easy to get over as they were to get under... Just Sayin'

   id hate to be a vegetarian in Russia....everything suddenly tastes a little meteor

   If God gave you a good singing voice, sing loud in church to give thanks. If God gave you a bad singing voice, sing loud in church to get even.

   A Christian asked me what it's like to be an Athiest. I asked him if he beileved in Islam. He said "no", I said "like that.." :)

   The way Obama keeps blaming everything on George W. Bush... I really don't think Bush has a chance of winning the election!

   Don't underestimate the power of a fresh, odorless, clean and well-maintained puss y, Ladies.

   thinking 9000 people are having sex right now, 2000 are kissing, 1000 getting head and you are reading my status. Hang in there sunshine

   Something smells in Washington...I think they have a little B.O. problem...

   If your phone gets wet, try putting it in rice over night. This will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.

   Hmmm,,, Is there any way we can get Trump in a "Truman Show" thing where he thinks he won and is president,,, and we can watch what he does?

   By all that is holy... Jessica Biel better name her baby Batmo when he's born...