Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A guy can get up to 20 years prison for throwing peanuts at a flight attendant. Casey Anthony killed her daughter and she goes free. Yeah, seems fair..

   While most of you will be at the theaters watching The Avengers tonight I will be in the confines of my own home watch The Avengers XXX which is a slightly different version of The Avengers

   I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep. :(

   If McDonalds sold hot dogs you wouldn't be able to, with a straight face, order a McWiener and tell them to supersize it.

   Whoa!!!!! The McRib is back in McDonald's....next thing you know they may go back to putting real meat in the hamburgers!!!!!

   Want to surprise your boyfriend? Introduce him to your girlfriend.

   If you rearrange the letters in CAPS LOCK you get C0CK SLAP!

   If I could be a superhero, I'd be Aluminum Man... My superpower would be foiling crime

   thinking..Tiger driving and hitting trees is nothing new, but I will bet he hasn't hit one off a fire hydrant before.

   not practicing Catholic so she's not giving anything up for Lent, but for those of you giving up alcohol, she's set up a collection bin outside her door>

   watched the Olympic snowboard competition last night. Woke up with a sore back.

   was driving down the highway today and tried to identify what kind of car was coming up behind me. Then it hit me! Duh... a Toyota.

   Tomorrow, I'm gonna write a blog post about procrastination.

   They say "don't drink and drive" but yesterday I was drinking a juice box while on my tricycle. It made me feel dangerous!

   I'm not that big on Volcanic Ash... I'm more of a Volcanic boob man!

   F*ck the real world,let's all just be pirates!

   T-Pain, 50 Cent,Drake, Nelly, Kanye West, LIL Wayne, Soulja Boy and numerous rappers from down south, you are all wanted for the murder of HIP HOP, HIP HOP was last seen in the late 90's and has disapeared since.

   All my friends keep saying they want a "dislike" button on Facebook. Personally, I think it would be a lot more fun with a "that's what she said" button

   I love rude waiters/waitresses...I don't have to be GUILTY for not tipping them. I only had money for the food anyway

   Some Girls are as easy to get over as they were to get under... Just Sayin'