Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever notice how men insult each other and don't really mean it and women compliment each other and don't really mean it?

   Hey old guys wearing your hats backwards, you're making it worse.

   "I'm strong because I know what it's like to be weak."

   A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

   Brees created quite the Hurricane in New Orleans tonight

   Todays goal: Do not post status upda......DAMN IT!

   Some people should use glue stick for lip balm.

   I just got an email from Facebook that I have 7 friends with birthdays this month. I didn't even know that I had 7 friends, or Facebook.

   Cats and dogs play with the same toy over and over as if it might do something new. And, after 20 years, I still play with my wife's hooters.

   I'm not into phone sex, the cord always gets stuck in my ass.

   I was driving on the freeway and I saw a hitch hiker holding a sign that said 'heaven,' so I hit him he seemed like a nice guy, so he probably made it.

   we live in a day and age in which we abbreviate everything we say...So I wish you a day of Success, Happiness, Intelligence and Togetherness with your loved ones. Hence I wish you a SHìT day!

   Be polite, bow. And while you're down there...

   Even this straight jacket can't stop me from updating my status.

   Goodnight.......I have to get up early to siphon gas from my Mexican neighbors lawnmower just to get to work tomorrow.

   The "Lift" scene in Dirty Dancing, but me and my first beer after work.

   I enjoy long romantic walks to the nearest bartender to get a beer.

   F**k me if I'm wrong, but do you want to kiss me?

   I run with scissors. You know why? Cause I got places to be and sh*t to cut

   Really offended these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don’t treat every burrito with the utmost respect.