Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Clinton passed a law disarming soldiers on bases. Makes total sense right?

   A recent independant survey claims that 1 in 10 women wear dirty panties on a regular basis. Not really sure I believe that statistic. Something smells a kinda fishy to me......

   Alcohol. Because no good story starts with, “This one time I ate a salad…”

   Hey. If Obama wins yet I didn't vote for him....do I still get the free phone?

   After the movie Magic Mike is released this weekend all the theatre seats are going to looks like snails crawled across them...

   Gay people are such great dressers because they've spent a lot of time in the closet.

   You can really tell who your friends are by looking at your friends list.

   Best Christian pick up line " I was reading the book of numbers and then I realized I did not have yours "

   On dating sites, some of the options for 'body type' should be, 'Vending machine', 'deformed walrus' and 'pudding in garbage bag'.

   Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don't worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal. ;-)

   Ever notice how men insult each other and don't really mean it and women compliment each other and don't really mean it?

   Hey old guys wearing your hats backwards, you're making it worse.

   "I'm strong because I know what it's like to be weak."

   A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

   Brees created quite the Hurricane in New Orleans tonight

   Todays goal: Do not post status upda......DAMN IT!

   Some people should use glue stick for lip balm.

   I just got an email from Facebook that I have 7 friends with birthdays this month. I didn't even know that I had 7 friends, or Facebook.

   Cats and dogs play with the same toy over and over as if it might do something new. And, after 20 years, I still play with my wife's hooters.

   I'm not into phone sex, the cord always gets stuck in my ass.