Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I Don't Drink Anymore !!!Although ...I Don't Drink Any Less either ;p

   I got a bit drunk last night and now I just got woke up by a lawnmower!!! I don't know who the hell it is but they have to mow around me I an NOT moving!

   Since Facebook shows everyone when you like or comment to someone's pic. Wouldnt it be fair if it did the same when you remove someone? and the reason Why?

   Drugs are just emotions that life is too stingy to give you.

   Student driver signs are like putting a dunce hat on your car.

   Feeling poor and full of cookies. You can tell it's Christmas.

   When did it become acceptable to slap another man's ass during football?? And why, oh why, is there no evidence of his reaction??

   Whats up with all these duck faces lately they quack me up

   Every person who ever asked if they were bothering me ..?? was bothering me.

   WIl you be my Valentine for an hour or so?

   understands the concept of housework, but has difficulty grasping how it applies to me!

   I told my wife I'm not willing to help with the laundry but I am willing to draw nipples on her flesh colored bras so they'd be less creepy.

   Ummm uh-oh,,,, My car's GPS asked me,,, "Who's Siri?"

   A little thumb-dance when you don't know how to reply to a text

   Pure laziness = when your computer asks you "the file asfslkddjf already exist, would you like to replace it?"

   My biggest fear is that I have already discovered time travel and I will bump into myself and spoil the surprise.

   I'm not an alcoholic. I can stop drinking any time I've got no money.

   How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

   ‎"W", pronounced "double U", looks like "double V", this is the $hit I think about!!!

   if I throw water on you will you melt or multiply?