Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told my wife I'm not willing to help with the laundry but I am willing to draw nipples on her flesh colored bras so they'd be less creepy.

   Ummm uh-oh,,,, My car's GPS asked me,,, "Who's Siri?"

   A little thumb-dance when you don't know how to reply to a text

   Pure laziness = when your computer asks you "the file asfslkddjf already exist, would you like to replace it?"

   My biggest fear is that I have already discovered time travel and I will bump into myself and spoil the surprise.

   I'm not an alcoholic. I can stop drinking any time I've got no money.

   How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

   ‎"W", pronounced "double U", looks like "double V", this is the $hit I think about!!!

   if I throw water on you will you melt or multiply?

   Craigslist removed its' "Adult Services"section. Headline should read, "No one to ever use Craigslist again".

   When Facebook Isnt Working, Twitter goes over capacity, (and MySpace remains unused,) some Americans will finally meet their neigbors

   Thank God Facebook is back on-line! How would I ever find out what everyone had for dinner. Chicken souvlaki. BTW.

   Never hit a man with glasses...try using a baseball bat.

   there anything sadder than seeing someone with a dog picking up dog sh*t? Actually, maybe somebody without a dog!

   The only thing worse than being up at 6am is still being up at 6am.

   X FACTOR FANS! If you're missing Gamu, don't worry! From next Wednesday you'll be able to sponsor her for £3 a month!

   reminds you that you will never hear her repeating gossip. So you better be sure to pay attention the first time.

   If napping was an Olympic sport I would be on a Wheaties box!!!

   likes to think that when she squishes a spider, its final thought is, "Good. Being a spider is miserable."

   The Christmas package of Wild Turkey now comes with bail money and pants.