Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   curiosity overpowers knowledge.. Now I have a midget transvestite prostitue knocking on my door

   when it comes down to it, it's the little thongs in life that makes it all worthwhile...

   My best pick up line: Excuse me, but I think you dropped this two hundred dollars for sex.

   Oatmeal raisin cookies are only eaten when mistaken for chocolate chip.

   Not every retard can read, but look at you having a go!

   I havent seen a spider in days. WTF ARE THEY PLANNING??

   anyone interested in having a Rapture party this weekend?

   It really upset me when I heard that Justin Bieber was anti-abortion, because it meant I had to rearrange my top 10 list of things I care least about.

   I think Buno Mars would be an awesome wingman..he'd be catching all the grenades for me! lol

   Love doesn't cost a thing; except tears, a broken heart, wasted years and half your stuff.

   Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "did she really just say that?"

   Christmas is my favorite four months of the year.

   Dear Lord, Just once I would like to walk up to a RedBox and not have to wait for one of your special idiots to finish licking the screen. Amen.

   Not that we're getting a lot of rain...but the fish are even complaining now.

   a 1984 Buick Skylark with a 2.5 liter 4 cylinder that can go zero to sixty in 37.2 seconds. Top that.

   When will men ever learn. Dont piss off your woman and expect her to fix you a delicious sandwich. Believe me you don't wanna know some of the ingredients she will use.

   I can't believe the plural of moose isn't meese

   Entertainment reporters around the world are telling us that Justin Bieber is a cult. Makes you wonder if they had spellcheck turned off when they wrote that.

   Just so all of my friends know, If I ever say the phrase "okie dokie artichokie" to you, it's a signal and means I've either been kidnapped or I've run out of vodka. One of the two

   Facebook makes me nosey =)