Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You expect kids to behave when tarzan lives half naked, cinderella comes home midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Aladdin is king of thieves, Batman drives at 200mph, sleeping Beauty is lazy & snow white lives with 7 guys?

   Press 1 for English. Press 2 For Spanish. Press 1 or 2 for Indian.

   Do I look like Christopher Columbus to you? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, don't hit me with words like "northwest", "southeast"

   Statistically speaking, 9 out of 11 Americans will be offended by this message.

   Spilled my skittles in the toilet by accident today as I went to flush.. What I thought was a disaster turned into an awesome 10 second NASCAR race..

   dispatching her gang of flying monkeys.

   I love to laugh but on this day I am remembering the Love and Sacrifice that Jesus did so that we could be saved.Amen !!

   I started a band called 999 Megabytes..... We haven’t gotten a gig yet.

   What does A gay horse eat? Heeeeeeyyyy!!

   Trying to figure out why Japan seems to be doing so well at the swimming in the Olympics... and then like a giant wave crashing down it hit me.

   French toast is just regular toast that smokes cigarettes and has a tiny mustache.

   curiosity overpowers knowledge.. Now I have a midget transvestite prostitue knocking on my door

   when it comes down to it, it's the little thongs in life that makes it all worthwhile...

   My best pick up line: Excuse me, but I think you dropped this two hundred dollars for sex.

   Oatmeal raisin cookies are only eaten when mistaken for chocolate chip.

   Not every retard can read, but look at you having a go!

   I havent seen a spider in days. WTF ARE THEY PLANNING??

   anyone interested in having a Rapture party this weekend?

   It really upset me when I heard that Justin Bieber was anti-abortion, because it meant I had to rearrange my top 10 list of things I care least about.

   I think Buno Mars would be an awesome wingman..he'd be catching all the grenades for me! lol