Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm thinking about opening an online Facebook rehab clinic.

   We had a family tree but someone chopped it down and built a bar with it.

   Just when I think I can make ends meet, some jackass cuts the rope.

   Katie must be out of her 5 yr lease contract with Tom Cruise finally

   My girl just called to tell me she went into labor. I said, "Hell yeah, its about time you got a job!"

   Life is like p0rn. Much better when people stop talking.

   It's so hot outside. I'm sweating like Rick Ross and two big girls riding around in a Prius with no AC

   Hey someone tell the Sun to stop showing off!!

   Took a career aptitude test. My results: sports team mascot, bridge troll, sign twirler, petting zoo poop scooper..

   Fellas: To prevent injuring your thumb while hammering, have your wife hold the nails.

   pain is weakness leaving the body....so those who have been hurt live strong ♡

   I can't get the Bananas in Pajamas song out of my head, so I'm cursing you all with it

   Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well.

   Photoshop CS6 Beta has just been released, I know all the ugly people just excited.

   FYI: No, I'm not feeling violent.... I'm feeling creative with weapons

   Spike Lee's next movie should be named "Do the Wrong Thing".

   Women who complain are like yellow traffic lights. Nobody really pays attention to them.

   Todays a perfect day to walk down the street dressed as Santa Clause while holding a bottle of Jack Daniels, sobbing & yelling  "You guys forgot about me!"

   I'm a little confused - Facebook just bought Instagram for 1 billion dollars. Didn't anyone explain that you can download it for free?

   Will you be mine? Blink for yes, lick your elbow for no. ;)