Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't get the Bananas in Pajamas song out of my head, so I'm cursing you all with it

   Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well.

   Photoshop CS6 Beta has just been released, I know all the ugly people just excited.

   FYI: No, I'm not feeling violent.... I'm feeling creative with weapons

   Spike Lee's next movie should be named "Do the Wrong Thing".

   Women who complain are like yellow traffic lights. Nobody really pays attention to them.

   Todays a perfect day to walk down the street dressed as Santa Clause while holding a bottle of Jack Daniels, sobbing & yelling  "You guys forgot about me!"

   I'm a little confused - Facebook just bought Instagram for 1 billion dollars. Didn't anyone explain that you can download it for free?

   Will you be mine? Blink for yes, lick your elbow for no. ;)

   10% of car thieves are left handed. All polar bears are left handed. So there's a 10% chance that a polar bear took your car.

   i've always wanted to walk to a stranger, hand them a briefcase and whisper, "You know what to do." and walk away....

   Half way thru the day and I'm just realizing *now* I've got my pants on inside-out. Hello, Wednesday.

   Kids nowadays have it made.... I'd like to see them settle for a gray and white t.v. with rabbit ears and aluminum foil.

   I used to have a tattoo of a ninja on my shoulder, well played tattoo ninja,,,,, well played

   The wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise.

   I keep my standards low, so you don't have to!

   Here, let me tell you about a ton of opinionated bull$hit that's not actually news" - Every major news Channe

   believes every road in the world is under construction right now!

   Most alcoholic beverages contain all 13 minerals necessary to sustain human life. Drink to your health!

   This lady on the highway is driving like a maniac & she has kids in the car. Lady I'm not following you. I want to watch Ice Age too.