Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they're not passing you some fake sh it.

   Did You know if you unscramble 'Ebola Outbreak', it reads: We just want to scare you suckers like we did with Swine Flu, Bird Flu, Antharax, AIDS and high gas prices. Because scarring the public is what the government who created them is what they're go

   According to the “you snooze you lose” principle, insomnia should have me surpassing that doped up whack job Charlie Scheen in the winning department!

   Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should haved died in 1732.

   Yes today is the first full moon on a Friday the 13th in 14 years. The next will be October 13, 2049...blah blah blah #STFU

   "Oh No!" "I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there are doctors everywhere!"

   How about more Bieber jokes being posted?-said no one ever

   i swear; when people are in love they are never themselves, they are something else....

   My girl tells me i'm a flirt. I tell her i'm just trying to have sex with other women.

   Never take for granite what you have. No matter how naughty they are, appreciate they are healthy and alive. Pray for those touched by this tragedy. I can't even imagine.

   Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: "Local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?"

   Let's have sex? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.

   I got a Justin Bieber song stuck in my head and now I'm a lesbian

   I really hope Chris Brown dates Justin Bieber

   The doctor said I have to start watching what I eat and drink. Today, I watched a ham and cheese omelet, a bacon cheeseburger, a large french fry, a frosty, and now I am getting ready to watch a meat lovers pizza and a cold brew...I got this covered doc.

   This will be my fourth year in a row being single on Valentine's Day. You guys call it "pathetic". I call it "forward thinking".

   I'm calling an emergency meeting between my eyes and your boobs.

   Just because I pet your dog doesn't mean I want to talk to you, get over yourself smoking hot girl!

   Random Happy Thought Factoid of the day: The Beatles used "love" 613 times in their songs.

   Please stop interrupting me while I am ignoring you.