Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   placing myself in "TIME OUT" until I am able to play nice with others!

   Great! My Mayan doctor just said I have less than a year to live ..

   The stock market continues to go up, and is probably a good place to invest your money if you have any. But as good as it sounds, if I ever get any extra I'm opting for canned goods and ammo......!

   Never get attached to your coworkers. You might have to throw them at a deranged gunman someday

   I farted today and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice!

   A bed designed like a toaster: it just launches your unwilling body out when the alarm goes.

   "I think , therefore I am"- Descartes..."I post, therefore I ham"- Me

   A Bieber should've been in that car instead of a Walker.

   Kanye West says he is going to be the next Nelson Mandela! Quick someone put him in jail for 27 years.

   That last fart smells like why I am single.

   today I screwed in a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked in to a bar ...my life is a joke

   Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they're not passing you some fake sh it.

   Did You know if you unscramble 'Ebola Outbreak', it reads: We just want to scare you suckers like we did with Swine Flu, Bird Flu, Antharax, AIDS and high gas prices. Because scarring the public is what the government who created them is what they're go

   According to the “you snooze you lose” principle, insomnia should have me surpassing that doped up whack job Charlie Scheen in the winning department!

   Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should haved died in 1732.

   Yes today is the first full moon on a Friday the 13th in 14 years. The next will be October 13, 2049...blah blah blah #STFU

   "Oh No!" "I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there are doctors everywhere!"

   How about more Bieber jokes being posted?-said no one ever

   i swear; when people are in love they are never themselves, they are something else....

   My girl tells me i'm a flirt. I tell her i'm just trying to have sex with other women.