Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say a a dog is man's best friend, but I don't even have enemies that'll look me dead in the eye while taking a sh!t on my carpet.

   Jersey Shore just got cancelled. Clearly an act of God. Your move, atheists.

   The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I'm kidding, it's her boobs.

   Opposites attract, that's the trouble with being awesome

   Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert

   Saw a bird crap on a Smart car. Totaled it.

   to do list: 1. win powerball 2. delete Facebook account

   If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

   Sharks aren't the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in just a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.

   had lucky charms for breakfest. I take this day very seriously."

   Copy and paste this as ur status, send it to 3 people in 10 minutes, absolutely nothing will happen! It works! Ive done it twice and both times nothing happened!

   "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a$$holes." ~William Gibson

   A girl on Facebook posted about how she sprained her toe, and I didn't comment on how I hope it wasn't her camel toe, because I'm an adult.

   Saw a magazine with two girls on it from the show Teen Mom that said "Teen Mom Ruined my life" REALLY?? I supposed the fact that you couldn't keep your panties on in the first place had NOTHING to do with it?

   You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone else's shower.

   Welcome to the movie theater snack bar! We have some crunchy popcorn, noisey cups of ice, crinkly candy bags, maracas, bubble wrap, and a f*cking parrot! Now silence your cell phones.

   I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.

   What's the difference between Saturn and LeBron James? They're both big and full of gas, but at least Saturn has rings.

   you know the recession is bad when wives are having sex with their husbands cause they can't afford batteries.

   Ive created a fb group called "threesome" and invited two girls. I'm not going to say a word and just see what happens.