Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor "Have you ever turned down heroin?" Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

   Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya.

   (Sigh) I Got kicked out of Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade , again...

   I owe my bookie $300.I bet on a fight before I realized it was Rocky 4. I did the same thing with Space Jam and Air Bud

   Mus in the 60s, orange in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s... * the history of tang

   How can you be a "natural" bodybuilder if you're cramming your body with protein powders, amino acids, and all other kinds of supplements?

   Judging from the size of Popeye's forearms I'm guessing that Olive Oyl didn't put out much.

   going to the toilet solely to masturbate called a number 3?

   Santa saw your Facebook pictures. …You're getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas

   Mondays are like a dry hand job. Hurts during, feels good when it's over...

   "Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook....yes, I'll hold"....

   Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?" Granny replies, "Bugger the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

   Science Fact: If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die

   The iPhone checks my Facebook, checks my email, organizes my music, calls my Mom, and now it tracks my whereabouts? It's like having a jealous psycho girlfriend in your pocket.

   it me or does Harry look like the bully from A Christmas Story?

   I want to be a pharmacist. Just so I can yell "Now take your suppositories and shove'em straight up your a$$!"

   Changed your status to complicated? Can't decide which hand to use?

   Teacher: You failed the test! Me: You failed to educate me.

   NASCAR in Kentucky, I have not seen this many rednecks fired up about something since RedMan started using resealable pouches.

   I bet Chick-fil-A is disappointing to a cannibal...misleading at best...