Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oprah got fat again, we can all enjoy that

   and thats when the fart prank went wrong

   my sushi brings all the japs to the yard, and there like "couneshiwah"

   Who are you calling a coodie queen, you lint licker?

   My baby just did something so smart that I'm thinking of ordering a maternity test

   If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't follow. I'd be at the bottom to catch them when they fall.

   blocked you from reading this awesome Facebook status update. Please try back later.

   once lived in Chicago about 20 yrs ago. Apparently that makes me eligible to run for city Mayor.

   I wonder if its possible to actually get a girl's number when you say "what yo name is girl, what yo name is" Either I'm gonna get slapped or we could go cash our welfare checks together.

   Ummmm, got drunk and tried to adopt a kid again...

   Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor "Have you ever turned down heroin?" Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

   Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya.

   (Sigh) I Got kicked out of Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade , again...

   I owe my bookie $300.I bet on a fight before I realized it was Rocky 4. I did the same thing with Space Jam and Air Bud

   Mus in the 60s, orange in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s... * the history of tang

   How can you be a "natural" bodybuilder if you're cramming your body with protein powders, amino acids, and all other kinds of supplements?

   Judging from the size of Popeye's forearms I'm guessing that Olive Oyl didn't put out much.

   going to the toilet solely to masturbate called a number 3?

   Santa saw your Facebook pictures. …You're getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas

   Mondays are like a dry hand job. Hurts during, feels good when it's over...