Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" The doctor: "Is this her first child?" Me: "No, this is her husband."

   I'm thinking about opening an online Facebook rehab clinic.

   BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them

   Professional wrestler name: Office Max. Signature move: Three Hole Punch.

   Yesterday, Eugene Polly,, The inventor of the TV remote died.. I'd go to his funeral but it's WAY too far from my couch.

   I think I could be with one woman for the rest of my life if there were no other women on earth.

   The bad news: Tom Cruise is playing an 80's rockstar at nearly 50, Yikes!!!...The worse news: The only women old enough to play his groupies are Betty White & Barbara Walters! ツ

   They are taking the old "I've got your nose" game WAY too seriously down in Miami!

   If it weren't for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.

   When I'm on a diet I order the shallow-fried chicken.

   HER: My dad thinks you're rude and inappropriate for me. ME: Screw your dad, there's people on Facebook who think I'm funny.

   I ain't sayin my gf is a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe..

   I always look around the bar to see what level of women are there before I decide what level of drunk I have to become.

   Money cant buy you happiness but its better to cry in a mercedes than on a bicycle.

   there is a guy jerking 0ff in the car next to me. I bet he is my friend on Facebook. .

   The Ten Commandments would be way more awesome if they just changed the first one to "Yahweh or the Highway."

   Match.com now has live events called Match.live. Should've called them what they really are: Sausagefests!!

   If you ignore me, I'll ignore your posters when your cat goes missing. Mostly because your cat and I will be too busy playing in my basement

   women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.

   "Stop flipping me off!" - Light Switch