Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is always this person on Facebook who thinks he/she can teach you the meaning of life in a two sentence status and you're like'Deep, real deep''.

   I had a bad day: I need a drink I had a good day: I deserve a drink Blah Blah something something: Let's have a drink

   ☐ Single ☐ Taken ☑ Want Some Bacon

   Glass blowers always go glass to mouth

   I'd like a $5 dollar footlong"....."That'll be 7.05"....."Bi$ch what??

   My driver's license says I'm an organ donor but jokes on them because I'm actually a bass player.

   yes, people who are incredible still have to take out the trash - Mrs. Hulk

   ok boys The proper response to give when a girl at the bar agrees to give you her phone number is not "wow, really?"

   I need a lot of coffee to start the day and a lot of booze to end it.

   For God's sake! It would be nice if people with lazy eyes would put a Post-it flag on the eye they want me to look at when we're talking... I keep switching back and forth..

   Ah Friday...my second favorite "F" word!

   Husband: "Honey, has the postman come yet?" Wife: "No, but he's panting and sweating pretty hard."

   Drunk sex is ok, but drunk hugs are frantastic

   Having children is like being at a never-ending press conference: "No, you can't get an iPod Touch - next question." "Yes, I know how to do the Cat Daddy - next question." "No, Disneyland is not economically viable at this time - next question."

   Many admit to being fools for love. But only Foghat had the guts to admit to being fools for the city

   Humpty Dumpty now has a facebook page....Didn't he learn the first time to stay away from walls?

   How to make a fire easy... 1. Get a bunch of sticks and arrange them in a pyramid. 2. Put rocks around the sticks in a circle. 3. Wave your RIGHT hand over the sticks in a circular motion and say "Wakaaa...Flockaaa...FLAME!"

   If you're a man and shave your legs I hope you're ok with being called a pre-op transsexual. P.S. I don't care if you enjoy swimming

   made a suggestion to Google Translate for "English to Ghetto".

   *Food hits ground* Germ: “GET IT!!!” King germ: “No, you have to wait at least 5 seconds!”