Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn't speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.

   I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.

   Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.

   Kim Kardashian is filing for divorce. During this difficult time, the Kardashian family requests as much attention as possible.

   Who designed the pants with the word pink on the back? It should be on the front, and the back should say brown.

   thinks it's only a weak soul that walks towards Alchohol as a 'solution' when the going gets tough. Not me though - I sprint towards it....

   Have you ever noticed that Gatorade doesn't work on guys who suck?

   stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house but two people died...

   The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

   Yes I realize I wore this shirt last time you saw me. I don't own 365 t-shirts, so the odds of this happening again are roughly 1 in 10.

   Told my friend if he causes us to go to jail, I am slapping the soap out of his hands...

   Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

   Wouldnt ot be nice if breast implants came with a squeaky toy inside them.

   "Push top to open" should read, "Jam a dent in the side of the cardboard with your index finger repeatedly to no avail. Swear at the box. Try and bite it a little. Swear at the box. You know what? Screw it. Cut the whole damn top off."

   You've been dating for 2 days - you don't love each other.... Shutup!

   Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!

   I´ll bet a beer that you won´t bring me one! *gotcha*

   How in the world did Bill & Hillary Clinton avoid the celebrity nickname HillBilly? WE DROPPED THE BALL AMERICA.

   I don't particularly care that your menu options have recently changed nor will I be listening carefully... I will be hitting 0 and # repeatedly until a real person gets on the line.

   Modern tragedy... Dumb people with smartphones