Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I heard Pope Francis won because of his strong showing in the swimsuit portion.

   Whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously never grew marijuana...

   I would wish my father a Happy Father's Day on Facebook but I blocked him

   I made a hamburger so big tonight the top bun looked like a Yarmulke.

   What do you call a Lesbian that lives in Alaska? A KLONDIKE!

   It's going to be a Good Friday.

   I must be allergic to peanuts. I break into a rash every payday.

   Who else puts LOL or LMAO or ROFL knowing good and damn well your sitting there with a straight face.

   As a parent, can you really not tell if your baby is ugly?

   Why is it that whenever I wish someone a happy birthday they always assume Facebook reminded me? Do you ever think maybe just maybe I care that much to remember the day you were born.

   Well, just did my daily "walk of fame" where I go outside with my coffee and lie to squirrels about how I got laid last night.

   I'm a T-Rex, my arms are too small to wank so I'm always angry

   ..poked in the heart and you're to blame..you give Facebook a bad name..

   I make them say ahh, just like I'm your doctor.....All I prescribe is cranberry and vodka

   Happy Christmakwanzzakkah

   I don't think I'm better than others, it just so happens that so far, statistically, I am

   Loves the smell of burning rubber, but I probably should have told her the condom broke

   behind every strong girl is an a$$hole who made her that way

   I shot my first turkey yesterday....scared the crap out of everybody in the frozen food section!

   angrier than a piano player in a marching band.