Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Soccer fans should just accept the the fact that, for good reason, nobody outside the USA cares about anything outside the USA.

   I'm beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen..

   Kanye West is losing it and even black folks are turning against his self-aggrandizing ass.

   I blame my farts on the dog so regularly that now every time I let one rip, she slinks away in shame.

   Wouldn't it be ironic if you found out you were conceived on a pull out couch?

   Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream wants to make a flavor inspired by Bernie Sanders. Whatever flavor it winds up being we know Bernie will hate it for being too rich..........

   We built this city on rock n roll, and BTW,,,,,The streets have no names. The midnight train only goes to Georgia. Every stairway climb to heaven.. *this town is a wreck.

   Donald, you don't want to be "that guy" at 83 years old still searching for Obama's birth certificate

   I heard Pope Francis won because of his strong showing in the swimsuit portion.

   Whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously never grew marijuana...

   I would wish my father a Happy Father's Day on Facebook but I blocked him

   I made a hamburger so big tonight the top bun looked like a Yarmulke.

   What do you call a Lesbian that lives in Alaska? A KLONDIKE!

   It's going to be a Good Friday.

   I must be allergic to peanuts. I break into a rash every payday.

   Who else puts LOL or LMAO or ROFL knowing good and damn well your sitting there with a straight face.

   As a parent, can you really not tell if your baby is ugly?

   Why is it that whenever I wish someone a happy birthday they always assume Facebook reminded me? Do you ever think maybe just maybe I care that much to remember the day you were born.

   Well, just did my daily "walk of fame" where I go outside with my coffee and lie to squirrels about how I got laid last night.

   I'm a T-Rex, my arms are too small to wank so I'm always angry