Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next time you feel a sneeze coming on, yell out "PIKA!" right before the sneeze

   I'm really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come over

   Me and my recliner...we go way back.

   Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

   I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I'm here to 'like' them.

   Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize that I had no idea what the eff was going on when I first saw it.

   I don't think I could ever stab someone. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun.

   In addition to Casual Friday, I propose the following: Punch A Coworker Monday, No Pants Tuesday, Drunk At Work Wednesday, and Call In Sick Thursday.

   Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I'm facing sexual harassment charges.

   joined a nudist colony last week........the first few days were the hardest!

   Do you ever notice that when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual

   My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...

   • Thank you Facebook for reconnecting me with the people I ignored in High School

   Spiders: Nature's little reminder that you can still scream like a little girl.

   My heart is in a relationship, but I am single - It's complicated.

   Kudos on the shaved balls, but try longer gym shorts next time….

   I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.

   that 'aquard' moment when you cant spell "awkward"...

   Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don't cut it.

   I wish somebody would invent a Slim Fast beer.