Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drinking doesn't make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them...

   If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there.

   A friend of mine just married a Chinese billionaire. Cha Ching

   I was thinking of donating to the sperm bank, they pay good money actually.. I can't believe how much money I've let slip through my fingers.

   Dear fourth grader on Facebook: How are you in a complicated relationship? What did they do? Steal your animal crackers?

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First lemme see the sandwich."

   Don't worry if you can't come up with a good Rapture joke. It's not the end of the world.

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.Somebody is going to be wrong.

   After many attempts to drown my sorrows, I'm starting to fear they may have learned to swim.

   I can't undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

   Does anyone else mutter "righty tighty and lefty loosey" when tightening or unscrewing anything?

   Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of a small lake. One yells to the other: "Hey, how do you get to the other side? The other one yells back: "You're already there!"

   You can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.

   There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, "Don't tell me what to do."

   My mom thinks LOL stands for "Lots Of Love" and texted me "Your Grandma just died. LOL"

   I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be "Nobody" so when I see stupid crap people post, I can "Like" it. And it will say "Nobody Likes This"

   Without that little voice in your head you wouldn't be able to read this.

   Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.

   We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity

   At a four way stop, it's obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.