Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you eat 4 pieces of pizza without separating them, it counts as just 1....dieting still on.......

   BREAKING: Rex Ryan officially names Mark Sanchez starting Jets QB...proving the NFL needs to start testing coaches for concussions.

   My girlfriend says I shouldn't plan things in advance. Well, she isn't my girlfriend yet.

   The most difficult part of growing older is learning to become your own best friend.

   I'm not rich, but I'm not "selling stuff on Craigslist for $10" poor either...

   "I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don't see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget do you.

   I'm a keeper... Who's never been kept.

   Relax, You're not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.

   Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.

   You show me Karl Mark's grave and I'll show you a Communist plot.

   The lingerie store at the mall has a buy 2 get the 3rd free sale, so you ladies can get your panties in a bunch.

   On the battlefield of life, my weapon of choice is intelligence.

   I havn't heard the word "manhunt" so much since the last gay pride parade

   I always get to work late. And since my boss is female, I naturally assume she doesn’t like men who come early.

   I wish my grade school teachers could see how much better I've gotten at hardcore spacing out.

   White w omen with weaves seriously worry me!

   If I ever get pulled over again, I am gonna sing the "Like a good neighbor State Farm is there" song and wave both hands at the police officer like I am doing a magic trick.

   I bet Jay Leno is amazing at putting on pillow cases & folding blankets.

   When I said I'd do anything for you I meant fight bad guys or slay dragons...not vacuum or do the dishes.

   People usually ask me why I don't have any tattoos, I asked them " would you put a bumper sticker on your Ferrari ?