Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You show me Karl Mark's grave and I'll show you a Communist plot.

   Sometimes I think I should take the bus instead of drive because there aren't usually 11 hot Mexican chicks in my car... not usually

   You're not a real man until you've electrocuted yourself.

   Aren't we suppost to catch Kony this year or was that cancelled?

   If you eat 4 pieces of pizza without separating them, it counts as just 1....dieting still on.......

   BREAKING: Rex Ryan officially names Mark Sanchez starting Jets QB...proving the NFL needs to start testing coaches for concussions.

   My girlfriend says I shouldn't plan things in advance. Well, she isn't my girlfriend yet.

   The lingerie store at the mall has a buy 2 get the 3rd free sale, so you ladies can get your panties in a bunch.

   On the battlefield of life, my weapon of choice is intelligence.

   Ghost hunters: "Can you communicate with us?" *Door creeks* Ghost hunters: "Oh so your name is William?"

   If you enjoy watching Harlem Shake videos, don't ever complain about "stupid people." You're one of them

   Sometimes when I'm bored, I order coffee at Starbucks and tell them my name is Bueller.....Then just leave!

   Rihanna says she’ll probably have kids,,,,,, mostly because Chris wants to take a swing at being a dad.

   Only at Mcdonalds do they say,"Sorry about your wait" and really mean "weight."

   I bet Unawarewolves don't even know they don't exist

   My girl is a serial over-reactor. You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can't go in the kitchen alone anymore.

   Welcome to April! The month when nobody watches "Harlem Shakes Videos" anymore... so, why is the song on the Hot 100 spot of Billboard?

   Rumors are a lot like buttcheeks because once you spread them, someone's a$$ is about to get hurt.

   I havn't heard the word "manhunt" so much since the last gay pride parade

   I always get to work late. And since my boss is female, I naturally assume she doesn’t like men who come early.