Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to April! The month when nobody watches "Harlem Shakes Videos" anymore... so, why is the song on the Hot 100 spot of Billboard?

   Rumors are a lot like buttcheeks because once you spread them, someone's a$$ is about to get hurt.

   Sometimes I think I should take the bus instead of drive because there aren't usually 11 hot Mexican chicks in my car... not usually

   Brent Musburger thinks Manti Te'o's girlfriend is hot!

   I am the kind of guy who brings a gun to a pillow fight.

   I turned my "Panic room" into a "Hispanic room" so that I have a place to wear my sombrero without being ridiculed.

   You're not a real man until you've electrocuted yourself.

   Aren't we suppost to catch Kony this year or was that cancelled?

   If you eat 4 pieces of pizza without separating them, it counts as just 1....dieting still on.......

   BREAKING: Rex Ryan officially names Mark Sanchez starting Jets QB...proving the NFL needs to start testing coaches for concussions.

   My girlfriend says I shouldn't plan things in advance. Well, she isn't my girlfriend yet.

   The most difficult part of growing older is learning to become your own best friend.

   I'm not rich, but I'm not "selling stuff on Craigslist for $10" poor either...

   "I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don't see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget do you.

   I'm a keeper... Who's never been kept.

   Relax, You're not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.

   Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.

   You show me Karl Mark's grave and I'll show you a Communist plot.

   The lingerie store at the mall has a buy 2 get the 3rd free sale, so you ladies can get your panties in a bunch.

   On the battlefield of life, my weapon of choice is intelligence.