Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a cell phone a Ipad a laptop, stop sending me reminders to turn my clocks back...it's called automatic updates!

   someone needs to tell Wyclef he can come back now.

   100% of all divorces began with getting married...

   I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, "How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?" B*tch.

   I look up to people who don’t look down on other people.

   A Red Box, inside a McDonald's, inside a Walmart... It's like the turducken of retail.

   No one is as ugly as their drivers license pic or as hot as their Facebook profile pic.

   Just shredded cheese by hand. Sorry in advance for the pieces of nails and skin.

   My girlfriends yelling at me for being "controlling." Funny thing is I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

   Every time I fart in my office, it's always 2 seconds before someone decides to walk in.

   I just robbed everyone at a Whole Foods Market and I was armed with nothing but a bag of gluten

   If she looks beautiful even when she's mad, you're screwed.

   You take the Kennedy assassination + That Clinton and Lewinsky thing + A pretty boss lady with small, slutty tendencies and BAM...You got a show on ABC called Scandal.

   The human body is amazingly intricate,, and astonishingly beautiful,, for a turd factory

   I got thrown out of a children's fancy dress party because all I was wearing was a red T-shirt. Some people have obviously never heard of Winnie the Pooh.

   I'm gonna build a snowman just so I can punch it in the face.

   Doctor's can no longer tell people they are fat... Stupid Hippo laws.

   I'm available for drinking purposes only.

   You can't change the past, but you can spoil the present, by worrying about the future.

   I'll fall for anybody that kisses my neck in the right spot So, yeah, I dated the goat from the petting zoo for a while.