Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i finally saw a girl in person on facebook, so I immediately went home and took back my likes

   glory hole one word or two? I want this email to my new boss to be perfect.

   I spilled ice out of my cup while I was outside and all of a sudden, my state has shutdown.

   *Grabs intercom at Chuck E Cheese* SOME OF YOU SHOULD HAVE PULLED OUT!!!!

   Love: When you still like someone after marriage.

   If a shark attacks you,,, DO NOT punch him in the nose... Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

   Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have

   Did you know,, the 'ueue' in 'queue' is silent?

   Will trade AR-15 for nice Corvette....

   I have nothing against Texas. But if Houston doesn't clobber New England today, I'll burn all my ZZ Top albums, forget all about The Alamo, and never eat chili again! Kidding! (About the chili part.)

   Those of you in the northeast whining about the blizzard. Newsflash...you live closer to the Arctic Circle than the rest of us, it's winter, and winds are directed your way. How about this idea...move.

   Lost my job as an aquarium tour guide when I told a group of 3rd graders that, " Sharks were just dolphins that were into the military."

   I hate people who feel they are entitled to certain things just because they are different.

   Hey Vegans, plywood contains animal products. You're surrounded. Sleep tight.

   At Subway. "What kind of Sandwich would you like ?? I'll take a 6inch Tuna on Honey Oat Please. "What kind of bread"?? Honey Oat please. "What kind of sandwich "?? Tuna please.

   Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

   Nothing screams 'America' like taking the elevator in a two-story building

   My superpower is being able to remove a bra with one hand...in the dark...drunk.

   I'm glad I don't work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches.

   There's no recipe in this world that raisins can't ruin.