Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know,, the 'ueue' in 'queue' is silent?

   Will trade AR-15 for nice Corvette....

   I have nothing against Texas. But if Houston doesn't clobber New England today, I'll burn all my ZZ Top albums, forget all about The Alamo, and never eat chili again! Kidding! (About the chili part.)

   Those of you in the northeast whining about the blizzard. Newsflash...you live closer to the Arctic Circle than the rest of us, it's winter, and winds are directed your way. How about this idea...move.

   Lost my job as an aquarium tour guide when I told a group of 3rd graders that, " Sharks were just dolphins that were into the military."

   I hate people who feel they are entitled to certain things just because they are different.

   Hey Vegans, plywood contains animal products. You're surrounded. Sleep tight.

   At Subway. "What kind of Sandwich would you like ?? I'll take a 6inch Tuna on Honey Oat Please. "What kind of bread"?? Honey Oat please. "What kind of sandwich "?? Tuna please.

   Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

   Nothing screams 'America' like taking the elevator in a two-story building

   My superpower is being able to remove a bra with one hand...in the dark...drunk.

   I'm glad I don't work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches.

   There's no recipe in this world that raisins can't ruin.

   Dear automatic toilet,,,, I appeciate your enthusiasm,, but I wasn't done yet...

   I'm going as a undecided voter this year.I'm going to be the one to pick out everyone's candy for the next 4 years.my candy choice will be made on little facts and zero intellectual reasons,leaving everyone to have terrible candy for 4 years.

   Every day is independence day when you are single!

   Women are like headphones, you get a lot of static if you put it in the wrong hole.

   Girls put you in the friend zone but forget they need a ride to work. Nah ho

   Sean Hannity: "Do you have any regrets of specific actions you did on that February night?" George Zimmerman: "No...I feel that it was all God's plan and for me to second guess or judge it...No sir" Me: (facepalm)

   Today's fun: Knock on random doors and say, "Hi, my name is Current Resident, and I've been told you're the jerk who has been opening all my mail."