Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just broke up a fight between my wife and a car seat.

   'tipsy' is not in my vocabulary... It's 'drunk' or 'sober'.

   Umm, your honour? In my defence,,, I think it was a pretty decent exposure.

   PRO TIP; Become good friends with her mom. Trust me the benefits are too many to list here.

   Maybe Aliens have not visited us on earth yet because they're all females and they want us to make the first move.

   Dear Paycheck...I only see you on Fridays...I really wish you would stick around at least through the weekend....

   Party like your intervention is tomorrow.

   If you are crazy enough everyday is April fools' day.

   Life Tip: Always read medication instructions in a mocking voice

   I'm just a boy, looking at a girl. Ohh look, she has nachos. I'm just a boy, looking at nachos

   The rat race is over. The rats won.

   He died doing what he loved: telling me I'm overreacting.

   the L in salmon is ruining my life

   I always bring a condom with me on a night out. Unfortunately, it's always the same one.

   I've have met everyone's mother today via Facebook

   I have a date tomorrow night so I need to think about baby names.

   Why do I stare at your b00bs? Have you seen your face?

   I know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask me to leave.

   FYI – If I tell you that you’re “special to me”, know that I’m just trying to be politically correct…

   What's it called when you hate everyone but still want people to like you? I'm that.