Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are crazy enough everyday is April fools' day.

   Life Tip: Always read medication instructions in a mocking voice

   I'm just a boy, looking at a girl. Ohh look, she has nachos. I'm just a boy, looking at nachos

   The rat race is over. The rats won.

   He died doing what he loved: telling me I'm overreacting.

   the L in salmon is ruining my life

   I always bring a condom with me on a night out. Unfortunately, it's always the same one.

   I've have met everyone's mother today via Facebook

   I have a date tomorrow night so I need to think about baby names.

   Why do I stare at your b00bs? Have you seen your face?

   I know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask me to leave.

   FYI – If I tell you that you’re “special to me”, know that I’m just trying to be politically correct…

   What's it called when you hate everyone but still want people to like you? I'm that.

   Loneliness is holding paper warm from the printer close because it's what you remember hugs felt like.

   it a natural defense mechanism for men to watch TV with a hand down their pants? In case we kick you in the nuts for hogging the remote?

   Does this insecurity make me look fat?

   Complicated, for two please.

   Just because I don't like you doesn't mean I don't want you to like me.

   What doesn't die when you kill it? A relationship.

   I put women and an abacus in the same category. I can't count on either.