Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rest in piece Joan Rivers, someone who was very real and completely fake at the same time.

   Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots

   A funny thing to do when someone's dog barks at you is say, "I don't speak dog," and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

   When someone chooses the stall next to me when plenty others are available I tap my foot 3 times and ask, "You got the stuff?".

   I have an overwhelming urge to give the weatherman a swirly while screaming; "HERE'S A POLAR VORTEX FOR YOU BEE-OTCH!!!"

   In other news, no 12 y/o's riding their bikes got shot today.

   Of course I act my age. I'm old enough to buy alcohol, tobacco and fire arms.

   Just because it's Friday the 13th doesn't mean anything, my luck sucks everyday so really today is no different.

   Dear coffee, I want you inside of me

   Pffft. The liquor store clerk just wished me a Merry Christmas as if he wasn't going to see me 14 more times before then...

   I wonder if when Ice Cube was in NWA he thought one day he'd play a cop in light hearted comedy

   Well, The Captain & Tennille are getting a divorce. I guess he did that to her one too many times.

   There is nothing better than a woman who's a screamer, even if it is because she just caught you spying in her window.

   Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your Mother

   Life gave me onions. Onionade sucks.

   A recent study shows that most pit bull attacks occur between tying the bandana around its neck and placing the sunglasses on its face.

   How are we to believe science actually knows anything when they can't decide whether eggs are good or bad for you, or if Pluto is a planet or not?

   Here in America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

   "How does a person go about celebrating President's Day Dad?" asked my son "well there's roughly two ways to celebrate it" I explained. "you can talk about past presidents or you can go buy a new mattress"

   I assume people that unfollow/unfriend/delete/block me must have found Jesus.