Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Over worked and under f**ked..

   My wife said ''Why are you still staring at our marriage license!''..............''I am looking for an expiration date!!!!''

   But Your Honor, you have to admit that kidnapping the President of the National Stuttering Association and making him say "Lady Gaga" to gain his freedom IS pretty funny.

   that anyone caught taking a photo of themselves in a mirror, shall be slapped...

   If you want to buy some marijuana,press the hash key now.

   Probably the most awkward thing for Chinese parents is not explaining where babies come from, but rather, where they go.

   Wilma Flintstone just told the world to F-ck off, He-Man is spending the night with Strawberry Shortcake, and Smufette isn't going out because she got hammered last night at the club. ...Thank you FaceBook for retro-ruining my childhood.

   "My missus thinks I've got herpes. I think she should F**k off and get her own peas.

   Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry. 

   Why WOULDN'T you wear a condom when they got that sh!t called "Kids" goin around?

   I ask Google all the questions I'm too embarrassed to ask other people.

   I sell drugs to fat people. It sounds better than "I work at McDonalds."

   Happy winter solstice, Northern Hemisphere! And happy whatever it is to you, Australia. Easter? 2009? Seriously, no clue.

   I'm out of Christmas wrapping paper? So I've simply converted birthday wrapping paper by adding "Jesus" after "Happy Birthday" in biro.

   As a kid, I use to talk to the fan so I can hear my ROBOT voices.

   Gals, if you take a shower with your boyfriend, by the time you get out, your boobs will be sparkling clean.

   I think I got the bird flu from that grey goose last night

   My ideal location to propose would be The Grand Canyon Skywalk...that way if she says "No'' I'll just push her over the bridge.

   Remove all the vowels from boys = BS, remove all vowels from females = FML

   When I have to make a phone call and it goes to voicemail...I feel like I just won the lottery.