Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "My missus thinks I've got herpes. I think she should F**k off and get her own peas.

   Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry. 

   Why WOULDN'T you wear a condom when they got that sh!t called "Kids" goin around?

   I ask Google all the questions I'm too embarrassed to ask other people.

   I sell drugs to fat people. It sounds better than "I work at McDonalds."

   Happy winter solstice, Northern Hemisphere! And happy whatever it is to you, Australia. Easter? 2009? Seriously, no clue.

   I'm out of Christmas wrapping paper? So I've simply converted birthday wrapping paper by adding "Jesus" after "Happy Birthday" in biro.

   As a kid, I use to talk to the fan so I can hear my ROBOT voices.

   Gals, if you take a shower with your boyfriend, by the time you get out, your boobs will be sparkling clean.

   I think I got the bird flu from that grey goose last night

   My ideal location to propose would be The Grand Canyon Skywalk...that way if she says "No'' I'll just push her over the bridge.

   Remove all the vowels from boys = BS, remove all vowels from females = FML

   When I have to make a phone call and it goes to voicemail...I feel like I just won the lottery.

   Wondering why MTV hasn't done "15 and Slutty" yet. Seems kinda like a no-brainer.

   *Me working in straw factory,,, " This is The LAST STRAW,, I QUIT! ",,, * Throws straw out window,,, *straw lands on camel factory next door,,, * camel screams in pain

   I am disappointed that my malware program does not block Hillary images.

   If I had a dollar for everytime my sexuality has been questioned, I could buy a BAD AZZ HARLEY, and a super cute pair of riding boots.

   Why do women like hockey more than men? Because it looks so much like vacuuming!

   When a dumb chick takes her boyfriend back after catching him cheating on her, 90% of the time he will celebrate by cheating again.

   Does anyone know where I can get in line for one of the millions upon millions of vaccine shots that would be "Ready to go" election day?