Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I'm saying is, if that plane was a white girl named Ashley, the US would have found it by now.

   watching the 2010 World Cup (and then I found the remote)

   If smokers can get smoke breaks, non smokers should get fresh air breaks.

   How do you spell "clitoris"? I don't know but I had it on the tip of my tongue a moment ago.

   I had a wet dream about you last night... I pissed myself laughing when you fell off a cliff!

   Parachute for sale. Used once. Never opened. Small stain.

   Been watching two black guys shake hands for the past 37 minutes.

   An Apple fan walks into a bar.... Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more.

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.

   Sluts should be called, HUMPTY DUMPTY. Coz first they get HUMPED, then they get DUMPED.

   The battle between the giant soft drink manufacturers is over: Pepsi One® Coke Zero®

   There are the normal ( . )( . ), the silicone ( + )( + ), the perfect (o)(o) Some are cold (^)(^) and some belong to grandmothers \./\./ And let's not forget the very large (o why o), the very small (.)(.) and the asymmetrical (•)(.) We love them all!

   Want to hear a joke about a pizza?? Nevermind it is too cheesy!

   I had a near death experience, and I saw heaven. People were screaming and there was fire everywhere. It was glorious.

   Sometimes at work I like to run around with a screwdriver yelling "ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!

   (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (O_o) (-_-) (-_-) <-- Me & my boys. Don't talk to Bob, he's on Ecstasy"

   Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors...

   I lost my pet stone in North Africa. Where did Morocco?

   Men are like a deck of cards. You need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to bash his head in with... and a spade to bury him with.

   pretty sure that "Can't we just be friends?" means --> "I just wanna use you, like some kind of emotional tampon 3 to 5 days a month, with no strings attached..."