Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sluts should be called, HUMPTY DUMPTY. Coz first they get HUMPED, then they get DUMPED.

   The battle between the giant soft drink manufacturers is over: Pepsi One® Coke Zero®

   There are the normal ( . )( . ), the silicone ( + )( + ), the perfect (o)(o) Some are cold (^)(^) and some belong to grandmothers \./\./ And let's not forget the very large (o why o), the very small (.)(.) and the asymmetrical (•)(.) We love them all!

   Want to hear a joke about a pizza?? Nevermind it is too cheesy!

   I had a near death experience, and I saw heaven. People were screaming and there was fire everywhere. It was glorious.

   Sometimes at work I like to run around with a screwdriver yelling "ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!

   (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (O_o) (-_-) (-_-) <-- Me & my boys. Don't talk to Bob, he's on Ecstasy"

   Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors...

   I lost my pet stone in North Africa. Where did Morocco?

   Men are like a deck of cards. You need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to bash his head in with... and a spade to bury him with.

   pretty sure that "Can't we just be friends?" means --> "I just wanna use you, like some kind of emotional tampon 3 to 5 days a month, with no strings attached..."

   doesnt want to die, not because he is afraid of death but because he is worried about all the crap people will find on his computer when hes gone.

   My grandmother has false teeth. I can't believe a word she says.

   Some people say I'm too brutally honest. The truth hurts... and I don't carry band-aids.

   Hey Harry Potter fans: If you stay to the end of the credits, there is a footage of J.K.Rowling swimming in her money bin like Scrooge McDuck.

   "Vegetarian" is an old Indian word for "bad hunter."

   2016 New Year's resolution: Tell your wife/girlfriend (or both) that every time they give you a BJ, you are going to put a dollar in an envelope. At the end of the year, you will use that money to buy her 2016 Christmas gift. More money = Nicer gift.

   I've decided I am a velociraptor trapped in a white man's body. I can't fight this feeling anymore, and have decided to get the surgery and have the killing claws implanted on my feet. I am trans-species, and I WILL win ESPN's Courage Award next year!!!

   I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing in five years, come on guys I don't have 2020 vision.

   ATTENTION Guys who don't have sex with their wife when she's pregnant in fear of hurting the baby: Don't flatter yourselves.