Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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If smokers can get smoke breaks, non smokers should get fresh air breaks. 
How do you spell "clitoris"? I don't know but I had it on the tip of my tongue a moment ago.
I had a wet dream about you last night... I pissed myself laughing when you fell off a cliff!
Parachute for sale. Used once. Never opened. Small stain.
An Apple fan walks into a bar.... Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more.
Been watching two black guys shake hands for the past 37 minutes.
My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.
Sluts should be called, HUMPTY DUMPTY. Coz first they get HUMPED, then they get DUMPED.
The battle between the giant soft drink manufacturers is over: Pepsi One® Coke Zero®
There are the normal ( . )( . ), the silicone ( + )( + ), the perfect (o)(o) Some are cold (^)(^) and some belong to grandmothers \./\./ And let's not forget the very large (o why o), the very small (.)(.) and the asymmetrical (•)(.) We love them all!
Want to hear a joke about a pizza?? Nevermind it is too cheesy!
I had a near death experience, and I saw heaven. People were screaming and there was fire everywhere. It was glorious.
Sometimes at work I like to run around with a screwdriver yelling "ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!
(-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (O_o) (-_-) (-_-) <-- Me & my boys. Don't talk to Bob, he's on Ecstasy"
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors...
I lost my pet stone in North Africa. Where did Morocco?
Men are like a deck of cards. You need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to bash his head in with... and a spade to bury him with.
pretty sure that "Can't we just be friends?" means --> "I just wanna use you, like some kind of emotional tampon 3 to 5 days a month, with no strings attached..."
doesnt want to die, not because he is afraid of death but because he is worried about all the crap people will find on his computer when hes gone.
My grandmother has false teeth. I can't believe a word she says. 