Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear CNN ... NBC News .. Fox News and AP ..... I'm setting my alarm for 3am Friday, so I can wake up, remember I don't give a sh*t about the royal wedding and go back to sleep...

   Whoever at Comedy Central decided that they should allow The Situation to be a roast should be fired. His set was more painful than getting a three-fingered prostate exam!

   Mexican Word of the Day: TISSUE. Usage: Hey vato ju doing it wrong, lemmie tissue how to Dougie !

   helping people find Jesus, one funeral at a time...

   Fellas, don't assume she wants to be in a relationship ... "Ladies is pimps too"

   Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR,

   it me or are 75% of the people that use handicap parking spots not suffering from a handicap at all???

   Every kiss may begin with Kay, but it ends with a high credit card bill!

   If you think something small can't make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room

   If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America?

   hosting a naked twister sausage party. $5.00 @ the door. Food stamps accepted as usual!

   can no longer hula hoop. At least I can still blow bubbles. And to my sicker friends, don't ask who Bubbles is.

   I always feel sorry for John McCain on Election Night because I know it's past his bedtime.

   The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart

   Don't get your hopes up. Santa has about as much of a chance of bringing "Hope and Change" as a clown does.

   If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?

   I am not sure how I missed this, busy I guess, but Monica Lewinsky turned 42 earlier this week, it seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her knees.

   Call my girlfriend.. Call my girlfrien.. Call oy girly.. Call of gurty.. Call of duty.

   ‎1st Lady Gaga went to the VMA's dressed in meat, then she went to the Grammy's in an egg! 2 more Red Carpets & she'll be a "Grand Slam" @ Denny's!!!

   Hey MARIO..!! Remember me??? I wasted my CHILDHOOD saving your girlfriend