Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've got the moves like jagger! Just kidding, I dance like a retarded penguin.

   It's alright to steal my status updates. However, I just want to let you know that I lick each one before I post it.

   Cut off fake people for real reasons, NOT real people for fake reasons.

   Fathers day, the most confusing day in the ghetto...

   I spent the afternoon scanning Facebook profile pics and some of you really need to find Jesus.

   gues she finally exhaled

   LIKE if you reply ”LMFAO” ”ROFL” “LOL” and you're clearly just sitting there emotionless as a robot.

   Dear CNN ... NBC News .. Fox News and AP ..... I'm setting my alarm for 3am Friday, so I can wake up, remember I don't give a sh*t about the royal wedding and go back to sleep...

   Whoever at Comedy Central decided that they should allow The Situation to be a roast should be fired. His set was more painful than getting a three-fingered prostate exam!

   Mexican Word of the Day: TISSUE. Usage: Hey vato ju doing it wrong, lemmie tissue how to Dougie !

   helping people find Jesus, one funeral at a time...

   Fellas, don't assume she wants to be in a relationship ... "Ladies is pimps too"

   Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR,

   it me or are 75% of the people that use handicap parking spots not suffering from a handicap at all???

   Every kiss may begin with Kay, but it ends with a high credit card bill!

   If you think something small can't make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room

   If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America?

   hosting a naked twister sausage party. $5.00 @ the door. Food stamps accepted as usual!

   can no longer hula hoop. At least I can still blow bubbles. And to my sicker friends, don't ask who Bubbles is.

   I always feel sorry for John McCain on Election Night because I know it's past his bedtime.