Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some dude is stealing my status updates He hides it well by changing all of the words and the topic, then making it interesting or funny.

   Who needs eHarmony when you've got cake-flavored vodka and chloroform?

   Sometimes when I get lonely I lie on Facebook and tell everyone to text me cuz I lost my phone.

   My friend told me, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." So I hit him with a dictionary on his head - that showed him.

   How to murder someone: tell them you love them so much, and then go on to forget about their existence.

   Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person's life takes serious commitment.

   Girls gone wild...Not the first time Bit@hes bankrupted a man..

   In lieu of the formal presidential debates,,, Let's just play Micheal Jackson's "Beat It",,, and eliminate the candidate that claps on 1 and 3

   To me, both Presidential candidates seem kinda limp. I think the United States may be suffering from electile dysfunction ツ

   Just lookin' for some nice buns! You know, something that won't make my wiener look small!!

   My Syria plan: Give weapons to both sides. Let them annihilate each other. Smoke a cigar with Benjamin Netanyahu....

   so Obama wins again.....just goes to prove that once you go black you can't go back!

   when you think your life sucks, just remember that somewhere in the world is one poor b*stard named Mr. Pelosi....

   What kind of bees produce milk? B O O B I E S ( . )( . )

   I'm not worried about the Zombie apocalypse that is coming. I'm worried about the Libtard apocalypse that is here now.

   Santa is a Republican 1. He sits on his butt all year long. 2. He has other people do all the hard work. 3. He then takes credit for giving away all the free stuff they made.

   I changed my FB profile pic for the France flag. Terrorism defeated.

   So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, "The good outnumber you, and we always will."

   Dear mom,, I hear babies rip your hoo hoo monster and turn it purple... Hope this card makes up for that.

   THIS JUST IN: CHILD ACTOR BUCKWHEAT HAS CONVERTED HIS RELIGION TO ISLAM. HE WILL NOW GO BY THE NAME, "KAREEM OF WHEAT''. FILM AT ELEVEN.