Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't foget to set you scales back 10 pound this weekend!!!

   " How much for that bouncy castle " Sir that's a woman

   If silly putty would have applied itself,,, it could have been serious putty.

   Leonardo DiCaprio cheering Orlando Bloom on as he was trying to punch Justin Bieber in the face is reason enough for me to like two of the three people named here.

   If you enter a room and there's no food, you're in the wrong room.

   that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?

   It's strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads .

   I don't know about breaking the Internet but Kim's azz will probably break anything it sits on.

   I just spelled "diarrhea" correctly on my first try! I'd be more happy about this if it wasn't for all this diarrhea.

   Healthy Marriage Tip #43: Apologize for the dream your wife had about you. Yeah, I know... apologize anyway ツ

   One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep $hit.

   what's all the fuss about a fake girlfriend? Every girl I know is fake...

   OK scientists... Bacon flavored soda... and go

   Ladies, don't believe the magazines. Men don't like skinny women who starve themselves. They love women who are pretty & starve themselves.

   There's a first time for everything. Except déjà vu.

   It looks like the Mayans correctly predicted the day that two women at a Wal-Mart in Marietta, Georgia simultaneously reach for the last box of Twinkies on Earth.

   I heard my first holiday ringtone this morning while waiting for coffee. If anyone asks, I was with you guys between the hours 7 and 10 am.

   They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

   All I want for Christmas is you.... to get run over by a reindeer!!!

   I wonder if Colorado or Washington girl scouts can make "special cookies" to sale along with the others