Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The besth thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?

   Now that you've won your right to marry, ya think we could get a couple colors back. I mean, the whole rainbow... seariously?!?!

   You only live once is the most reassuring thing I've ever heard.

   I like to peel all of the labels off of my pill bottles and just write "surprise me" on them.

   *strums guitar.. and this next one is called I Don't Care About Your Yoga Retreat,,, Susan

   Apparently you have to eat healthy more than once to get in shape. This is cruel and unfair.

   Saving Private Ryan, Interstellar, and The Martian: America has spent too much money retrieving Matt Damon. It is time to stop.

   Don't foget to set you scales back 10 pound this weekend!!!

   " How much for that bouncy castle " Sir that's a woman

   If silly putty would have applied itself,,, it could have been serious putty.

   Leonardo DiCaprio cheering Orlando Bloom on as he was trying to punch Justin Bieber in the face is reason enough for me to like two of the three people named here.

   If you enter a room and there's no food, you're in the wrong room.

   that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?

   It's strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads .

   I don't know about breaking the Internet but Kim's azz will probably break anything it sits on.

   I just spelled "diarrhea" correctly on my first try! I'd be more happy about this if it wasn't for all this diarrhea.

   Healthy Marriage Tip #43: Apologize for the dream your wife had about you. Yeah, I know... apologize anyway ツ

   One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep $hit.

   what's all the fuss about a fake girlfriend? Every girl I know is fake...

   OK scientists... Bacon flavored soda... and go