Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

   I'll try not to post any Bruce Jenner jokes, she has enough problems trying to find size 13 double wide pumps

   This world is getting so uptight!!... Buck Owens once had a tiger by the tail and nobody batted an eye!!

   I just figured it out,, Conspiracy theorists are pobably just people who never got over finding out that wrestling was fake.

   The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up the orange juice and started selling meth to the condiments.

   as pissed off as being in the express checkout land behind an old laldy, with too many items, using coupons for every item, and with a new clerk calling for a price check.

   Its amazing how you know soo much about me and I didn't even know you existed .

   If any kids come to my house this year dressed as Charlie Sheen or Zombie Amy Winehouse, they're getting punched in the face.

   I think greedy people need to be shot on sight with a bazooka full of exploding sh!t.

   Caffeine and nicotine; breakfast of champions!

   miss being a kid. No one cared how you dressed, we were all friends, and you could be yourself. When did we turn so judgmental?

   I changed my name in my friend's phone to "Marty McFly." Sent him a text saying "We've gotta go back to 1955!" He hasn't texted me back.

   embarrssed when I think how immature I used to be. However that was in my younger days so I shouldn't be too hard on myeself. I said 'hard on' hahhahahahahaha

   Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

   Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist invented the parachute.

   If I ever end up missing, please put my picture on a bottle of whiskey and not a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

   Uhh Sorry Mom & Dad, but I don't think washing behind my ears was the most important place to get cleaned..

   sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

   Caution: Was produced on machines that also process nuts

   What's hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet in the middle, that starts with a C and ends in a T? A coconut silly.