Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm tired of the stereotypes people have about the Irish. As soon as I finish this beer I'm leaving the bar and kicking someone's ass.

   looking for a meaningful overnight relationship!

   The chocolate fountain..... Not the first runny brown liquid to be produced by Golden Corral.

   Don't text me while I'm in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my whole message.

   A snail was out walking one afternoon and was stopped, robbed and beaten up by two turtles. When the police arrived they asked him what had happened. The snail said he was not sure as it had happened so fast

   Excuse me for the lack of updates lately. I'm really busy growing a mustache.

   If I don't hear from you at least every 2 hours, I will assume you hate me and the feeling shall be mutual. I can't control my crazy.

   G ay squirrels probably never know if their buddies are talking about sex or food.

   You're hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, "No one will ever believe you."

   This world is getting so uptight!!... Buck Owens once had a tiger by the tail and nobody batted an eye!!

   I just figured it out,, Conspiracy theorists are pobably just people who never got over finding out that wrestling was fake.

   The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up the orange juice and started selling meth to the condiments.

   I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

   I'll try not to post any Bruce Jenner jokes, she has enough problems trying to find size 13 double wide pumps

   here comes the brainless jihadists who have sold their brains for virgins

   Hey guys,, my feed is down.. Is anyone here friends with Kathy?..I'm on pins and needles over here about how her workout went yesterday.

   as pissed off as being in the express checkout land behind an old laldy, with too many items, using coupons for every item, and with a new clerk calling for a price check.

   Its amazing how you know soo much about me and I didn't even know you existed .

   If any kids come to my house this year dressed as Charlie Sheen or Zombie Amy Winehouse, they're getting punched in the face.

   I think greedy people need to be shot on sight with a bazooka full of exploding sh!t.