Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing makes crazy people happier than having a microphone.

   it's been a great summer and would like to thank the ladies for the great mammaries

   Fools rush in... and get the best seats in the house.

   You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them until they become afraid and give in.

   Do you want to make a difference? Be different.

   When your dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part.

   thinks if you give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks.

   hopefully its called ECLIPSE because they are gonna play a better movie over it

   thinks there will be a lot of upset strippers tonight . . . Brazil lost

   Hello. My answers to yesterday's msgs, in order of their arrival. Yes. Tomorrow at 5pm. Duct tape & piano wire. Tonight's safety word will be banana. No. TY

   hates when I wake up late for work and get ready in a hurry, then you realize its your day off. : (

   WANTED: Schrödinger's Cat - Dead and Alive

   girls are afraid to hear the words "its over" from her guy. And you know what guys are afraid to hear?"I'm PREGNANT!!!"

   A rolling stone gathers no moss, and that's the last time I hire Keith Richards to do my landscaping...

   I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

   ..if people say they're "as honest as the day is long" does that mean they become less truthful in the winter?

   There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.

   Naomi Campbell should take up golf because she's really good at hitting the driver.

   I don't want to move in for a month, I just wanna buy you a beer.

   Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.