Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a pessimist sees the glass half empty. a possumist sees the glass as a giant possum. sometimes jokes don't make much sense.

   Heard Dominos is coming out with a pizza in honour of Tom Brady...one half of its covered and its called the "incomplete"...

   My New Year's resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.

   Cheerleaders who scream "Give me a D" have no idea what they are asking for.

   Before you decide to spend the rest of your life with somebody, watch them load a dishwasher.

   Could you imagine knowing someone interesting enough to actually want to talk on the phone? Me neither.

   Clapping is just high-fiving yourself for someone else's accomplishments.

   has been told by many I need to watch my language on Facebook. So for everyone that doesn't like my language, "coitus you."

   Never get directions from the illiterate. "Turn left on Cave" is actually, "turn left on C Ave."

   I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

   ..if people say they're "as honest as the day is long" does that mean they become less truthful in the winter?

   There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.

   Naomi Campbell should take up golf because she's really good at hitting the driver.

   I don't want to move in for a month, I just wanna buy you a beer.

   Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

   it's been a great summer and would like to thank the ladies for the great mammaries

   Fools rush in... and get the best seats in the house.

   You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them until they become afraid and give in.

   Do you want to make a difference? Be different.

   When your dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part.