Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here's my tip of the day...If the person you're "in a relationship" with has they're status as "single" it might be time for a relationship reassessment.Or atleast don't act so surprised and whine constantly when it's finally over.Shut up already,your gro

   Can't wait to see "The Lorax"! Finally, a movie answers the age old question: What if Wilford Brimley was orange?

   Jesus take the wheel.......from my grandma. That woman cannot drive!

   If you are the one who always make plans, remember all the anniversaries, do all the crying and forgiving in a relationship, end it.

   Chris Brown and I have a completely opposite understanding of the phrase, "I'd hit that!"

   Rap is what happens when you can't hold your bragging inside anymore.

   Ugly people are always the ones starting drama and fights since they know they have nothing to lose if they get beat down.

   I'm trying to go back to my original shape. 7 lbs. 9oz..

   Dear ex, can you please return my dignity I left at your place but you can keep my Nickelback Cd collection.

   single and ready to mingle! And by mingle I mean get laid.

   If you watch 127 hours in rewind it is actually a really nice film about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.

   What's on the board: 2•54/57(7+5/8)²•ab-c³ What teacher sees: 2+2=4 What you see: すきうせちし what you remember: ______.

   To do List: Grab a random kid by the shoulders and scream. "IM YOU...FROM THE FUTURE!"

   You were so beautiful, until your 30 day trial of Photoshop ended.

   I wish R.I.P Meant - "Return If Possible"

   The less you know about someone, the easier it is to love them.

   It sucks when you wanna throw a brick at someone's face, but you can't, because you don't have a brick.

   the fact that Pitbul is considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.

   You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. You can’t teach a cat anything, ever.

   Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.