Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are the one who always make plans, remember all the anniversaries, do all the crying and forgiving in a relationship, end it.

   Chris Brown and I have a completely opposite understanding of the phrase, "I'd hit that!"

   Rap is what happens when you can't hold your bragging inside anymore.

   Ugly people are always the ones starting drama and fights since they know they have nothing to lose if they get beat down.

   I'm trying to go back to my original shape. 7 lbs. 9oz..

   Dear ex, can you please return my dignity I left at your place but you can keep my Nickelback Cd collection.

   single and ready to mingle! And by mingle I mean get laid.

   If you watch 127 hours in rewind it is actually a really nice film about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.

   What's on the board: 2•54/57(7+5/8)²•ab-c³ What teacher sees: 2+2=4 What you see: すきうせちし what you remember: ______.

   To do List: Grab a random kid by the shoulders and scream. "IM YOU...FROM THE FUTURE!"

   You were so beautiful, until your 30 day trial of Photoshop ended.

   I wish R.I.P Meant - "Return If Possible"

   The less you know about someone, the easier it is to love them.

   It sucks when you wanna throw a brick at someone's face, but you can't, because you don't have a brick.

   the fact that Pitbul is considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.

   You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. You can’t teach a cat anything, ever.

   Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

   it too late to make my Facebook movie?!?!

   The Billboard Music awards was the other night and there was an amazing hologram of Michael Jackson. He performed a new song called "Slave to the Rhythm." It was so realistic, Tito actually asked it for money.

   For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”