Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life's motto: "Live every week as if its shark week"

   sir, you can't take that unopened bottle of diet coke on the plane because it could be a bomb... just go put it in that garbage can over there with all the other could-be-bombs.

   "He broke my heart I broke his xbox <3 :))" ...Right. Things like this are probably why he broke up with you in the first place.

   ❒Single ❒Taken ✔My right hand.

   Going half way across the state this morning, and you know what that means...this truck is now a rolling karaoke machine.

   I don't think Chumbawumba is getting back up this time.

   My neighbor is opening a pig farm... Just caught wind of it today.

   Do people believe in birth control these days?

   My Indian stripper name is Dances With Daddy Issues.

   It should be against the rules to post anything depressing on Facebook. Shout out to a deceased relative, ok. But no one cares if your goldfish is sick and you hate your life. I dont even care if my goldfish is sick.

   Here's my tip of the day...If the person you're "in a relationship" with has they're status as "single" it might be time for a relationship reassessment.Or atleast don't act so surprised and whine constantly when it's finally over.Shut up already,your gro

   Can't wait to see "The Lorax"! Finally, a movie answers the age old question: What if Wilford Brimley was orange?

   Jesus take the wheel.......from my grandma. That woman cannot drive!

   If you are the one who always make plans, remember all the anniversaries, do all the crying and forgiving in a relationship, end it.

   Chris Brown and I have a completely opposite understanding of the phrase, "I'd hit that!"

   Rap is what happens when you can't hold your bragging inside anymore.

   Ugly people are always the ones starting drama and fights since they know they have nothing to lose if they get beat down.

   I'm trying to go back to my original shape. 7 lbs. 9oz..

   Dear ex, can you please return my dignity I left at your place but you can keep my Nickelback Cd collection.

   single and ready to mingle! And by mingle I mean get laid.