Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kony put infant into infantry

   Facebook account for sale, Friends included & a Girlfriend.

   shoppin for a muggie, its like a snuggie except it has a ski mask sewn on top

   I believe that there will be a war of the sexes one day and the male leader will rally his troops for battle by riding through the ranks shouting, "REMEMBER THE ALIMONYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

   Crushed ice, needs to be placed higher on a pedastool.

   Fellaz: Commenting on and liking every other half-naked girl's Facebook picture makes you look damn thirsty! Have some dignity or buy some.

   If you have a problem with me, text me. If you don't have my number than that means you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me

   I need a spring loaded bed so if I don't want to get up, it will just throw me out of it.

   Coors Light ships cold straight from the factory. I wish other water companies would do the same.

   In order to catch a cab,,,,, one must think like a cab first.

   It must've been awkward taking a dump during the Hunger Games, knowing that the whole country could potentially be watching you.

   if I could find a way to implement my voice ignition system with my micro-filament omni directional jet grid and combine it with an anti gravity quantum state lift disc, I could then sustain a magic riding carpet with voice guidance.

   Hey everyone storing up food and supplies 'In case of the 2012 apocalypse', if it happens, you're going to be murdered for that sh!t.

   its enough gravy when my plate looks like an infinty pool

   I like being in a long term relationship, because she knows what I like and I know what she……..won't do.

   Dont bite the hand that feeds you, its true, just had an incident at McDonalds and the stupid cashier filed charges

   I'm writing a play about agoraphobic jazz musicians and calling it "Indoor Cats."

   No one believes me when I tell them the music they listen to is bad.

   I was not picking my nose! I just had a really deep itch

   can't wait for Breaking Dawn Part 2, as Bella and Edward get hunted down by Blade! Perhaps that's just wishful thinking