Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In order to catch a cab,,,,, one must think like a cab first.

   It must've been awkward taking a dump during the Hunger Games, knowing that the whole country could potentially be watching you.

   if I could find a way to implement my voice ignition system with my micro-filament omni directional jet grid and combine it with an anti gravity quantum state lift disc, I could then sustain a magic riding carpet with voice guidance.

   Hey everyone storing up food and supplies 'In case of the 2012 apocalypse', if it happens, you're going to be murdered for that sh!t.

   its enough gravy when my plate looks like an infinty pool

   I like being in a long term relationship, because she knows what I like and I know what she……..won't do.

   Dont bite the hand that feeds you, its true, just had an incident at McDonalds and the stupid cashier filed charges

   I'm writing a play about agoraphobic jazz musicians and calling it "Indoor Cats."

   No one believes me when I tell them the music they listen to is bad.

   I was not picking my nose! I just had a really deep itch

   can't wait for Breaking Dawn Part 2, as Bella and Edward get hunted down by Blade! Perhaps that's just wishful thinking

   It's difficult for me to knock Scientology because most of the lies I've told for money were far more insane.

   Who the hell is this Will Power guy everyone is talking about? Maybe I'll run into him at the bar after my A.A. meeting.

   Get rid of people that withdraw from your life and never deposit!

   Sometimes I envy deaf people because they never have to tell someone to shut up.

   It'll be awesome if Danica Patrick ever starts first so we can hear “Danica is on the pole!” over and over!

   I think Christopher Nolan grew up on 60's Batman and his life's goal is to wipe it out...

   ts no fun insulting people that are too damn stupid to even realize it!

   Tears are the hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine “want” power.

   Let's keep in touch but only by our genitals.