Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   F*CK! I think I need to put the booze down...Ive been cookin this damn turkey for 450 minutes at 15 degrees... When do I rotate it?!

   I wish I hadn't watch the "Deadly Women" marathon on the I.D. channel before Thankgiving dinner....The meal is a little harder to enjoy when your inspecting the turkey for aresenic!

   watching the charlie brown special...i think peppermint patty & marci are thankful for each other

   Make love, not war. Hell do both, get married.

   When you live in the country as I do, the term "prosecuted" translates to "shot".

   I've come to the realization that LL Cool J's momma is a real trouble maker

   not really surprised about Kim Jongs dearh, it was inevitabre, inevit, inevitabre, inevitabrey going to happen!

   I wonder if Tommy Lee, Tom Jones, and Tommy Lee Jones ever get each other's mail?

   The way I see it is that life is divided up into three stages, and you only have to wipe your @$$ for one of them. Isn't life incredible!?

   Unlike 'the others', I have 27 cats for normal reasons.

   If I had $100 for everytime I read something funny on your Facebook page, I would still be broke.

   Schools need to include a new subject into the curriculum called, "Learn how to shut up and learn"

   I tried letting a smile be my umbrella, but you can't whack people with a smile!

   Golf is like sex. If you're playing somewhere classy, wash your balls first.

   A lady working at our bank walks with the cutest limp ever. I often fantasize about her naked, walking in a big counter clockwise circle.

   come on guys give me something worth snatching

   I jist wants ma monies froms da guberments and not gets shot at whiles I be doin bidness

   I am all for self-inflicted Democrat genocide. That is why I am pro-choice. Do we really want more sniveling liberals?

   Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

   Except for a lawful euthanization, the malicious killing of a dog or a horse should prosecuted as a homicide.