Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Steal a couple of sips from the soda fountain at McDonalds and everyone looks the other way but do it at the taps at Outback Steakhouse and all hell breaks loose... geesh! 
The term "good girl" becomes irrelevant if she is hanging out after 2AM.
Just seen a preview of the 'Chernobyl Diaries' & to me, if your taking your family vacation to Chernobyl, Russia.....then you deserve to be eatin by radioactive zombies!!!!
Facebook: A social media website that will continually remind you how stupid some of your "friends" really are...
Everybody hates that as$hole that takes 5 minutes to back into a parking spot.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it's my cellphone
Drinks: $80. Dinner: $75. The room: $250. The look on his face when she says "I'm on my period": Priceless.
Sum ppl need to be pistol whipped. . .with a grenade launcher.
Doing my best to, as the kids say: "keep it real." Or some such thing
Ever feel like someones watching you? Yeah its me. Always check the Back Seat.ALWAYS.
Note to self- Sneezing with diarrhea,not good.......not good at all
"As God as my witness...I thought turkeys could fly" - Les Nessman, WKRP Radio
F*CK! I think I need to put the booze down...Ive been cookin this damn turkey for 450 minutes at 15 degrees... When do I rotate it?!
I wish I hadn't watch the "Deadly Women" marathon on the I.D. channel before Thankgiving dinner....The meal is a little harder to enjoy when your inspecting the turkey for aresenic!
watching the charlie brown special...i think peppermint patty & marci are thankful for each other
Make love, not war. Hell do both, get married.
When you live in the country as I do, the term "prosecuted" translates to "shot".
I've come to the realization that LL Cool J's momma is a real trouble maker
not really surprised about Kim Jongs dearh, it was inevitabre, inevit, inevitabre, inevitabrey going to happen!
I wonder if Tommy Lee, Tom Jones, and Tommy Lee Jones ever get each other's mail? 