Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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The term "good girl" becomes irrelevant if she is hanging out after 2AM. 
Just seen a preview of the 'Chernobyl Diaries' & to me, if your taking your family vacation to Chernobyl, Russia.....then you deserve to be eatin by radioactive zombies!!!!
Facebook: A social media website that will continually remind you how stupid some of your "friends" really are...
Everybody hates that as$hole that takes 5 minutes to back into a parking spot.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it's my cellphone
Drinks: $80. Dinner: $75. The room: $250. The look on his face when she says "I'm on my period": Priceless.
Sum ppl need to be pistol whipped. . .with a grenade launcher.
Doing my best to, as the kids say: "keep it real." Or some such thing
Ever feel like someones watching you? Yeah its me. Always check the Back Seat.ALWAYS.
Note to self- Sneezing with diarrhea,not good.......not good at all
"As God as my witness...I thought turkeys could fly" - Les Nessman, WKRP Radio
F*CK! I think I need to put the booze down...Ive been cookin this damn turkey for 450 minutes at 15 degrees... When do I rotate it?!
I wish I hadn't watch the "Deadly Women" marathon on the I.D. channel before Thankgiving dinner....The meal is a little harder to enjoy when your inspecting the turkey for aresenic!
watching the charlie brown special...i think peppermint patty & marci are thankful for each other
Make love, not war. Hell do both, get married.
When you live in the country as I do, the term "prosecuted" translates to "shot".
I've come to the realization that LL Cool J's momma is a real trouble maker
not really surprised about Kim Jongs dearh, it was inevitabre, inevit, inevitabre, inevitabrey going to happen!
I wonder if Tommy Lee, Tom Jones, and Tommy Lee Jones ever get each other's mail?
The way I see it is that life is divided up into three stages, and you only have to wipe your @$$ for one of them. Isn't life incredible!? 