Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You wanna know where I'm ticklish? Hawaii.

   At the end of my dinner the waiter asks "wanna box" so I got up and knocked him out. I bet he won't ask that question again.

   My pot never calls the kettle 'black' because I don't buy talking marijuana

   Irony - Getting your girlfriend pregnant on a pull out couch!

   i received 10 tex messages for sex this morning which is usually cool but I had my wife's phone.

   Dyslexia killed my dog. Vegetarians don't know the first thing about animal surgery.

   Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.

   wonders if birds have a national MAYDAY sytem in place when they know their going to crash?!?!

   Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.

   What you call sex ed, I call Saturday night...

   People are puzzled with all the dead birds in Arkansas...Really? It's Arkansas folks...just surprised they lasted as long as they did before they figured they could end their stay there by hurling themselves to the ground...

   I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says "1 inch = 1 inch". I hardly ever unroll it.

   saving money and not getting the iPad .Instead I bought a magnifying glass for my iPhone..

   Our last fight was my fault:  My wife asked me,  ‘What's on the TV?'  I said,  ‘Dust.'

   not a OBGYN. But, I will take a look!

   Who in the heck thought it was a good idea to pull a foot off a rabbit and use it as a lucky charm? If it wasn't lucky for the rabbit why would it be lucky for me??

   won't be drinking alone tonight.......the verizon network will be with with her!

   thinking about creating a FB application "Governmentville" --where virtual money is paid to all the Farmville players just to let their farms go fallow...for several years....

   This is odd... I just got a letter in the mail saying I'm being sued by Lindsay Lohan for throwing up last weekend?

   whoever dies with the most friends on facebook wins