Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You wanna know where I'm ticklish? Hawaii.

   At the end of my dinner the waiter asks "wanna box" so I got up and knocked him out. I bet he won't ask that question again.

   My pot never calls the kettle 'black' because I don't buy talking marijuana

   Irony - Getting your girlfriend pregnant on a pull out couch!

   i received 10 tex messages for sex this morning which is usually cool but I had my wife's phone.

   Dyslexia killed my dog. Vegetarians don't know the first thing about animal surgery.

   Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.

   wonders if birds have a national MAYDAY sytem in place when they know their going to crash?!?!

   Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.

   whoever dies with the most friends on facebook wins

   I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says "1 inch = 1 inch". I hardly ever unroll it.

   saving money and not getting the iPad .Instead I bought a magnifying glass for my iPhone..

   Our last fight was my fault:  My wife asked me,  ‘What's on the TV?'  I said,  ‘Dust.'

   not a OBGYN. But, I will take a look!

   thinks scare-crows should get Nobel prizes because they are out standing in their field

   thinks everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

   Coke dealers. Always sticking their business in other people's noses.

   Who in the heck thought it was a good idea to pull a foot off a rabbit and use it as a lucky charm? If it wasn't lucky for the rabbit why would it be lucky for me??

   won't be drinking alone tonight.......the verizon network will be with with her!

   thinking about creating a FB application "Governmentville" --where virtual money is paid to all the Farmville players just to let their farms go fallow...for several years....