Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know your'e getting old when you think an XBOX is where you keep your divorce papers.

   The trouble with life is there's no background music

   Whoever is in charge of making sure I don't do dumb stuff is fired.

   70% of you might think I'm being disingenuous when I say I'm surprised that you "like" my status...The other 30% are googling "disingenuous"...

   Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.

   Ironically, it's really hard when you suffer from impotency

   ...and then Buffy staked Edward. The end

   It's normal for kids to play 'doctor.' Start worrying if you find them playing 'airport security.'

   Just when you think you have buried the past, They find another Body...

   I can't believe that it's the year 2010 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.

   "Until death do us part” means we're all single in heaven, right?

   Do fleas ever wonder if there's life on other dogs?

   say's never go to a Doctor whose plants are dead in the waiting room!

   thinks single-ply toilet paper should be a human rights violation.

   There should be a statute of limitations on how long a person gets to blame their crappy childhood for their shortcomings.

   I am the undefeated champion of this"smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don't-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day" game

   YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I'm watching how to make ice cream.

   When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.

   Don't ask me stupid questions and I won't hurt your stupid feelings.

   Hey Guys, I don't have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.