Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If I ever own a bar I'm going to name it "church". I'll also get a Mexican bartender named Jesus.
←Rate | 01-11-2011 20:01 by ff1241 Comments (6)  


   messageicon A new study found that house cats spend 22 percent of their days looking out windows, 12 percent playing with other pets, 8 percent climbing on chairs and just 6 percent sleeping. They also found that cats had the exact same schedule as Joe Biden.
←Rate | 12-10-2009 12:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pretty sure the founders didn't intend for the 4th of July to be on a Wednesday.Thanks a lot Obama.........
←Rate | 07-03-2012 16:32 by sully Comments (3)  


   messageicon A man stopped me in the street today and asked me the quickest way to a hospital, so I pushed him under a bus!
←Rate | 11-01-2011 09:52 by @plasticmortal Comments (0)  


   messageicon Thongs are the mullet of the underwear world: business in the front, party in the back.
←Rate | 11-02-2011 19:53 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine. - Abraham Lincoln
←Rate | 11-11-2011 17:16 by IvetaTopal Comments (0)  


   messageicon 51 weeks til Christmas....lights are up!
←Rate | 01-03-2012 21:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hooray! Hooray! The first of May! Outdoor sex begins today!
←Rate | 05-01-2012 13:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When you have more than what you need, build a longer table, not a higher fence.
←Rate | 01-03-2018 05:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm 32 years old and I finally slept with my highschool crush. But now she expects me to go to her graduation.
←Rate | 02-15-2015 00:39 by Gus Comments (0)  


   messageicon If a guy don't text you back, he's probably reading the bible or volunteering at an animal shelter. Men don't cheat, idk who lied to y'all.
←Rate | 10-14-2015 14:51 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I shot Big Foot and dumped him in the ocean before I could get any pictures.
←Rate | 05-03-2011 11:09 by silhouette Comments (0)  


   messageicon when I was young I used to think cheerios was doughnut seeds.
←Rate | 02-17-2011 00:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
←Rate | 07-28-2011 07:56 by Boomtastic Comments (0)  


   messageicon WTF is up with people hating on HipHop these days? Thanks to Lil Wayne,I now know that a "Goblin" is better than a "Goon", Pitbull taught Me how to count to 4 in Spanish, and Plies taught me how to be intimate with a woman by pouring Kool-Aid down her a$$
←Rate | 07-15-2010 14:13 by jdpower Comments (2)  


   messageicon Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
←Rate | 11-02-2010 01:59 by darsh Comments (7)  


   messageicon I just responded to a text message someone sent me a year ago with, "yeah, sounds good. Let's do that."
←Rate | 06-14-2010 19:14 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon I am 100% certain that Band Camp enrollment went up by a third after the movie American Pie! Thanks Stiffler!!
←Rate | 12-28-2010 23:10 by eaglet1122 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Easy explanation for dead birds falling from sky...they keep hitting Wonder Woman's invisible jet.
←Rate | 01-04-2011 15:34 by Bill Comments (0)  


   messageicon RELATIONSHIP: A bond between two people; One person works to create/maintain love and fufillment while the other person waits for something better to come along....:(
←Rate | 09-27-2010 11:35 Comments (0)  




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