Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3034 of 6446

If I ever own a bar I'm going to name it "church". I'll also get a Mexican bartender named Jesus.
←Rate |
01-11-2011 20:01 by ff1241
Comments (6)

A new study found that house cats spend 22 percent of their days looking out windows, 12 percent playing with other pets, 8 percent climbing on chairs and just 6 percent sleeping. They also found that cats had the exact same schedule as Joe Biden.
←Rate |
12-10-2009 12:18
Comments (0)

Pretty sure the founders didn't intend for the 4th of July to be on a Wednesday.Thanks a lot Obama.........
←Rate |
07-03-2012 16:32 by sully
Comments (3)

A man stopped me in the street today and asked me the quickest way to a hospital, so I pushed him under a bus!

Thongs are the mullet of the underwear world: business in the front, party in the back.

The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine. - Abraham Lincoln

51 weeks til Christmas....lights are up!
←Rate |
01-03-2012 21:33
Comments (0)

Hooray! Hooray! The first of May! Outdoor sex begins today!
←Rate |
05-01-2012 13:32
Comments (0)

When you have more than what you need, build a longer table, not a higher fence.
←Rate |
01-03-2018 05:54
Comments (0)

I'm 32 years old and I finally slept with my highschool crush. But now she expects me to go to her graduation.
←Rate |
02-15-2015 00:39 by Gus
Comments (0)

If a guy don't text you back, he's probably reading the bible or volunteering at an animal shelter. Men don't cheat, idk who lied to y'all.

I shot Big Foot and dumped him in the ocean before I could get any pictures.

when I was young I used to think cheerios was doughnut seeds.
←Rate |
02-17-2011 00:32
Comments (0)

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

WTF is up with people hating on HipHop these days? Thanks to Lil Wayne,I now know that a "Goblin" is better than a "Goon", Pitbull taught Me how to count to 4 in Spanish, and Plies taught me how to be intimate with a woman by pouring Kool-Aid down her a$$
←Rate |
07-15-2010 14:13 by jdpower
Comments (2)

Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
←Rate |
11-02-2010 01:59 by darsh
Comments (7)

I just responded to a text message someone sent me a year ago with, "yeah, sounds good. Let's do that."
←Rate |
06-14-2010 19:14 by Joser
Comments (0)

I am 100% certain that Band Camp enrollment went up by a third after the movie American Pie! Thanks Stiffler!!

Easy explanation for dead birds falling from sky...they keep hitting Wonder Woman's invisible jet.
←Rate |
01-04-2011 15:34 by Bill
Comments (0)

RELATIONSHIP: A bond between two people; One person works to create/maintain love and fufillment while the other person waits for something better to come along....:(
←Rate |
09-27-2010 11:35
Comments (0)