Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders when the Pope will tear down the 39 foot tall wall that surrounds the Vatican; a sovereign country.

   I just heard a woman in a supermarket say this to her 7(ish) year old daughter... "Don't spit! Ladies never spit!" Priceless.

   So you watch a 30 minute video and think you're an activist now??? Ha

   Donna Brazille and Fauxcahontas both confirm Crooked Hillary rigged the DNC to win the nomination yet still lost the election. President Trump was right again. Dummy-crats still stupefied.

   If I ever own a bar I'm going to name it "church". I'll also get a Mexican bartender named Jesus.

   A new study found that house cats spend 22 percent of their days looking out windows, 12 percent playing with other pets, 8 percent climbing on chairs and just 6 percent sleeping. They also found that cats had the exact same schedule as Joe Biden.

   Pretty sure the founders didn't intend for the 4th of July to be on a Wednesday.Thanks a lot Obama.........

   A man stopped me in the street today and asked me the quickest way to a hospital, so I pushed him under a bus!

   Thongs are the mullet of the underwear world: business in the front, party in the back.

   The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine. - Abraham Lincoln

   51 weeks til Christmas....lights are up!

   Hooray! Hooray! The first of May! Outdoor sex begins today!

   When you have more than what you need, build a longer table, not a higher fence.

   I'm 32 years old and I finally slept with my highschool crush. But now she expects me to go to her graduation.

   I shot Big Foot and dumped him in the ocean before I could get any pictures.

   when I was young I used to think cheerios was doughnut seeds.

   Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

   WTF is up with people hating on HipHop these days? Thanks to Lil Wayne,I now know that a "Goblin" is better than a "Goon", Pitbull taught Me how to count to 4 in Spanish, and Plies taught me how to be intimate with a woman by pouring Kool-Aid down her a$$

   Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   I just responded to a text message someone sent me a year ago with, "yeah, sounds good. Let's do that."