Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever own a bar I'm going to name it "church". I'll also get a Mexican bartender named Jesus.

   A new study found that house cats spend 22 percent of their days looking out windows, 12 percent playing with other pets, 8 percent climbing on chairs and just 6 percent sleeping. They also found that cats had the exact same schedule as Joe Biden.

   Pretty sure the founders didn't intend for the 4th of July to be on a Wednesday.Thanks a lot Obama.........

   A man stopped me in the street today and asked me the quickest way to a hospital, so I pushed him under a bus!

   Thongs are the mullet of the underwear world: business in the front, party in the back.

   The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine. - Abraham Lincoln

   51 weeks til Christmas....lights are up!

   Hooray! Hooray! The first of May! Outdoor sex begins today!

   When you have more than what you need, build a longer table, not a higher fence.

   I'm 32 years old and I finally slept with my highschool crush. But now she expects me to go to her graduation.

   If a guy don't text you back, he's probably reading the bible or volunteering at an animal shelter. Men don't cheat, idk who lied to y'all.

   I shot Big Foot and dumped him in the ocean before I could get any pictures.

   when I was young I used to think cheerios was doughnut seeds.

   Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

   WTF is up with people hating on HipHop these days? Thanks to Lil Wayne,I now know that a "Goblin" is better than a "Goon", Pitbull taught Me how to count to 4 in Spanish, and Plies taught me how to be intimate with a woman by pouring Kool-Aid down her a$$

   Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   I just responded to a text message someone sent me a year ago with, "yeah, sounds good. Let's do that."

   I am 100% certain that Band Camp enrollment went up by a third after the movie American Pie! Thanks Stiffler!!

   Easy explanation for dead birds falling from sky...they keep hitting Wonder Woman's invisible jet.

   RELATIONSHIP: A bond between two people; One person works to create/maintain love and fufillment while the other person waits for something better to come along....:(