Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can't tell the difference between Digorno and delivery, you probably can't tell the difference between jacking off and poon tang...

   If at first you don't succeed, get her drunk.

   If you come up to me and talk like a pirate today, tomorrow will be " National Spit On A Person Who Celebrated 'National Talk Like A Pirate Day' Day"...

   Hey! There's a new 90 minute comedy/variety show that starts tonight at 9pm! I believe it's called 'Fun with Mitt and Barack'... I don't know though, bet it gets cancelled after 3 shows...

   Our love making is great but it's the talking, cuddling and intimacy I enjoy the most…..ok, she's gone. It's really the sex!!

   I am tried of 7 day weeks and having to wait for the weekend. I think the week should be as followed. Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Get rid of Wednesday and Thursdays. . .

   I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

   If the first rule of fight club was not to discuss it. Why did they make a movie about it?

   My life is like an 80s movie. Bad acting, some drug abuse, but a great soundtrack.

   ATMs and automated gas pumps have been around for years but Wal Mart puts in self checkout lanes and people act like the world is ending...

   Well it's Game Day. I wonder if Tom Brady will be feeling a lot of pressure

   I just noticed that if I slouch over just right I can make my belly fat look like 3-pack abs. Oh Yeah, half way to "Sexy-town".

   I need to slap the Pharmacist that put my pet's prescription in the same amber vial as mine, but first...I need to piss on this mailbox.

   Don't ask me for directions I got lost on an elevator once.

   People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

   This Halloween I'm going to be my wife and just complain all day.

   I am not saying she is ugly but if she had kids, I wouldn't want one of her puppies

   I finally got a job at the.bakery because I kneaded the dough.

   Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

   I've been trying and trying yet so far no luck. I can't seem to get MapQuest to pull up a shortcut to Friday.