Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   life's a b!tch, then you marry one.

   Jeff Gordon vs. Jimmie Johnson...I love it when DIVA's fight!!

   Got caught with a beer while driving... Who would have thought they would pull over a schoolbus.

   Dear Taylor Swift, Kanye took your microphone not your virginity. Let's move on...

   says, forgive your enemies, but remember their names.

   pants on the ground, pants on the ground, looking like a fool wit your pants on the ground

   Reasoning Behind Most Comments to A Woman's Photos: 75%-Looks, 20%-Talent, 5%- REAL Talent.

   microwaving metal objects.

   Do you think Popeye would still want Olive Oyl if he knew how much Rachel Ray uses her?

   says even though my cherries gone, I still have the box it came in! :)

   I told my wife when I said I liked it rough I didn't mean my whole life.

   I just heard that Paul McCartney is throwing a fit now that he realizes his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his last wife....

   I wasnt that drunk..." "Dude, you were telling 'Yo mama' jokes to orphans...

   You know you've made it,, when your joke makes its way back to you in someone else's Facebook status

   Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge... Its much less painful

   How to fix America: 1. Put all the money into education. 2. More Green Energy. 3. Stop airing Keeping Up with the Kardashians

   my family deals with the heat like it does other family members; by resenting it until it goes away

   There's more than one way to skin a cat. There are four,, and they're all horrible.. Can we not talk about this?

   Paper cut: A tree's one glorious moment of revenge.

   I'm waiting for Joseph Kony to make a YouTube video advocating against jerking off in public.