Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Police Officer: "How high are you?" Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

   There's only two ways to start your drive thru order: Hi I'd like to order or Lemme get a uhhh

   I sent that b!tch a smiley face. B!tches LOVE smiley faces

   To show you all how much I care...this Valentines's I've randomly scattered bouquets of flowers around local cemetaries for you to find...Happy Valentines Day!...

   NASCAR, NBA All Star Game AND The Oscars...Thank G0D there's the Cartoon Network.

   Big girls don't cry. (They eat)

   Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out

   Obama loves the Poor so much that he created Millions more.

   hopes there is never another NFL game again until people act grown up and forget money and remember the sacrifice of Pat Tillman. (Research it)

   why do we close our eyes when we pray? when we cry? when we dream? when we kiss? cuz we know that most beautiful things in life are not seen, but felt by the heart.

   Never expecting the unexpected making the unexpected the expected

   Would just love to punch someone in the Kidneys but apparently society frowns upon that

   If you watch Rambo backwards, it's about a medic with a magical bullet vacuum.

   I once went to a diner and ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.

   Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like.

   I once asked my Dad if it was ok to love a midget, he said son- It just depends if you're nuts over her.

   Elementary math problems are weird. "'I had 10 chocolate bars and ate 9. What do I have now?'" Oh, I don't know... DIABETES MAYBE!!!"

   My son's just had a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club and a diamond. I'll deal with him later.

   Here is my new idea. In the express lane, once the cashier rings up 1 item too many, 50 pounds of pig sh!t falls on the customer.

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life.... Give an octopus nunchuks,,, and no one's eating fish ever again.