Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd go out more if I could bring my dog, b0ng, couch, and blanket with me.

   "Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge."

   Just choked down three bites of a gas station hot dog and now I have 7 kinds of ass cancer.

   Just ate a roast beef, ham, chicken, turkey, bologna sandwich topped with bacon...Just to piss Peta off.

   One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I'm going to bed

   When people start a sentence with "Do you know what your problem is?" I interrupt and start telling them all my problems. They never expect that!

   Happy Mothers Day to all of you moms and single moms. Also, if any of you women are looking to be a mom; hit me up on the DM.

   Timex and Tampax should get together and invent something to let guys know its her time of the month.

   For as little as $1 a day,,,, You can feed a family of 5 ducks chunks of bread down at your local pond.

   Girls want a guy who is "funny and spontaneous", but when I tap on a girls window at night dressed as a clown, she flips out!

   Police Officer: "How high are you?" Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

   There's only two ways to start your drive thru order: Hi I'd like to order or Lemme get a uhhh

   I sent that b!tch a smiley face. B!tches LOVE smiley faces

   To show you all how much I care...this Valentines's I've randomly scattered bouquets of flowers around local cemetaries for you to find...Happy Valentines Day!...

   NASCAR, NBA All Star Game AND The Oscars...Thank G0D there's the Cartoon Network.

   Big girls don't cry. (They eat)

   Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out

   Obama loves the Poor so much that he created Millions more.

   hopes there is never another NFL game again until people act grown up and forget money and remember the sacrifice of Pat Tillman. (Research it)

   why do we close our eyes when we pray? when we cry? when we dream? when we kiss? cuz we know that most beautiful things in life are not seen, but felt by the heart.