Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The time you REALLY wish you had a video camera is when somebody says, "Hold my beer and watch this".

   There's a move to divide California into two states: The state of poverty and the state of bankruptcy.

   ♥ True love doesn't have a happy ending. It has NO ending ♥

   Three questions that dumbfound people: 1) How did Moses part the Red Sea? 2) How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? 3) How is Jacob Lusk still on American Idol?

   The last thing that went through Osama Bin Ladens mind was a bullet.

   I'm sad my kids have left to Summer Camp for 2 weeks. I no longer have an excuse to watch iCarly while they're gone...

   i do not always use internet explorer but when I do, its to download a new web browser

   How many terrible mistakes can you make before you're officially a bad person? It's like 70, right?

   Raise your hand if you are one of those people who have to publicly announce that they're in love...and with that hand, b*tch-slap yourself.

   People with little or no education love to argue the most.

   You know what's funny? Paintings of Adam & Eve where they both have belly buttons. Think about it, take as much time as you need.

   "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger this afternoon and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner."

   Wish someone would add me to their grocery list.

   Help me spread the word all over the internet that I am a millionaire. cause if its on the internet it has to be true.

   Its hard to soar like an eagle when ur running around with turkeys

   POF may say it short for Plenty of Fish, but I'm pretty sure it's Plenty of Fatties…

   I'm at my worst and most vulnerable when someone else is holding my phone.

   Breaking News: 36% of Witches are indicating it is cold out.....

   The cat puking in the middle of my bed was NOT the type of wet spot I was hoping for.

   Looks like the Pope is headed for the old popes home..