Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   LIKE if you hate hearing the sound of your recorded voice.

   Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better About downloading music off the internet.

   I find it difficult to believe Newt Gingrich could be an effective president. He couldn't even manage to catch those dag old Duke boys.

   I swear....if I get shot by a criminal who didn't obey the gun laws, I am going to be SOOOOO PISSED!

   I bet the kids on Africa are really getting tired of all those leftover Patriots Championship t-shirts.

   Sorry little boy who came to my door trying to make a better life for yourself, but I will not buy that 7$ candy bar from you when I can get the same candy bar for a buck at the store.

   It hurts me to see your "I'm in a relationship" status on Facebook.

   Hav you heard of the new drug doctors r giving to depressed lesbians??..its called TRYDICAGAIN!!

   911: What is your emergency? / Sprint HTC Evo: Hi, I just murdered the iPhone.

   Do homeless people get knock knock jokes???

   Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age, but will kill you if you forget their birthday`s :-)

   You know, even after all these years, Stacy's mom has still got it going on.

   I wonder if Kayne West will redeem himself when Beyonce's baby is born, like ripping it from her arms and handing it to Taylor Swift

   My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.

   Happy Unimaginative, Consumerist-Oriented, and Entirely Arbitrary, Manipulative and Shallow Interpretation of Romance Day

   Wisconsin 0...Gov. Walker 1....now go home and put your cheese head hats on.

   The time you REALLY wish you had a video camera is when somebody says, "Hold my beer and watch this".

   There's a move to divide California into two states: The state of poverty and the state of bankruptcy.

   ♥ True love doesn't have a happy ending. It has NO ending ♥

   Three questions that dumbfound people: 1) How did Moses part the Red Sea? 2) How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? 3) How is Jacob Lusk still on American Idol?