Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Obviously this cat thinks I won't punch a cat

   If I were Superman, I'd forget about Lex Luthor, and instead, beat the living $hit out of every a$$hole who's ever abused a child.

   NFL replacement refs...Wonder if they think airplane windows roll down too...

   MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES: ATD -at the doctor. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair. BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHO -is my hearing aid on?

   Pink had her baby girl last night.... What color is it?

   Teenagers are the most misunderstood people on the planet. They're treated like children, and expected to act like adults.

   I often want to pull up along side some moron talking / texting on their cell phone and ask them if they would drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up their a**, sideways.

   I may be a 32 year OLD man with a slight belly in just a dirty white T-shirt and Hanes boxer briefs, but when I'm on my patio having a smoke I pose like I'm in Calvin Klein Photo Shoot.

   Catch her coming out the bathroom from that morning shower and give her a reason to go back in and take another one

   If you're easily offended, you'll want to skip over the post below... Actually, just skip all of mine. I don't want DoucheBags reading them anyway.

   LIKE if you hate hearing the sound of your recorded voice.

   People who say, “I am a lover NOT a fighter” are full of bullsh!t. If you love something, you WILL fight for it.

   Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better About downloading music off the internet.

   I find it difficult to believe Newt Gingrich could be an effective president. He couldn't even manage to catch those dag old Duke boys.

   Pro-tip: Turn your dishwasher into a snowplow this christmas by giving her a shovel.

   I swear....if I get shot by a criminal who didn't obey the gun laws, I am going to be SOOOOO PISSED!

   I bet the kids on Africa are really getting tired of all those leftover Patriots Championship t-shirts.

   Sorry little boy who came to my door trying to make a better life for yourself, but I will not buy that 7$ candy bar from you when I can get the same candy bar for a buck at the store.

   It hurts me to see your "I'm in a relationship" status on Facebook.

   911: What is your emergency? / Sprint HTC Evo: Hi, I just murdered the iPhone.