Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   all my mistakes have had names.

   I bet if pigs could fly, their wings would taste delicious!

   I'm not sure what colon hydrotherapy is....... But I AM sure I don't need a Groupon for that..

   Satan has introduced many awful things to mankind like herpes and aids, but I'd say one of his worst has got to be The Gangnam Style.

   I'm not sure what I hate most about rain. The fact that it's cold, it's wet, or it instantly turns everyone else on the road but you into a bad driver.

   Our baby woke up in the other room while my wife and I were having sex. Great, now I get to hear two people cry.

   Santa works one day a year and spends the other 364 judging people. Where can I apply for this job?

   If I were a sheriff in the old west, I'd make some "WANTED" posters that said "NOT INTERESTED" so insecure outlaws would just come to me.

   The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.

   Woke up face down in a ditch, I must have tried to tell a woman what to do again.

   Sometimes I feel like my heart really doesn't have my best interests at heart.

   If you’re camping and you have WiFi, you’re not camping.

   We found the Gates of Hell? Why were we looking for those? Doesn't searching for the cure of cancer matter anymore?

   I forgive people by forgetting about them.

   You're psychiatrist's opinion about your social media habits don't count if he has less followers than you.

   I give up on trying to make ends meet. Now I'd be happy if they would just wave at one another.

   Before you decide to live by the "early bird" policy, find out whether you're the bird or the worm.

   There is a fine wine between being good and being naughty.

   When Kanye West dies, I hope he donates his ego to science.

   Parent: "Who's the $5 hooker on meth?" -Miley Cyrus .... "Way to go Disney"