Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I were a sheriff in the old west, I'd make some "WANTED" posters that said "NOT INTERESTED" so insecure outlaws would just come to me.

   The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.

   Woke up face down in a ditch, I must have tried to tell a woman what to do again.

   Sometimes I feel like my heart really doesn't have my best interests at heart.

   If you’re camping and you have WiFi, you’re not camping.

   We found the Gates of Hell? Why were we looking for those? Doesn't searching for the cure of cancer matter anymore?

   I forgive people by forgetting about them.

   You're psychiatrist's opinion about your social media habits don't count if he has less followers than you.

   I give up on trying to make ends meet. Now I'd be happy if they would just wave at one another.

   Before you decide to live by the "early bird" policy, find out whether you're the bird or the worm.

   There is a fine wine between being good and being naughty.

   When Kanye West dies, I hope he donates his ego to science.

   Parent: "Who's the $5 hooker on meth?" -Miley Cyrus .... "Way to go Disney"

   The problem with us guys, is that we'd rather go for the hot chick rather than the cool one...

   Never trust a person who just throws away bubble wrap without at least popping a few before they do.

   Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

   all I really want is someone to love me as much as kanye west loves himself

   The problem with the world today is that way too many people are living their lives in theory in the virtual world.

   People are always on the verge of telling everyone they’re on the verge of something.

   Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?