Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think you women are on to something...shoe shopping does make you feel better!!

   I think HR just keeps me around to help them write their new hand book. Every time I get called there they say "oh I've got to write this down!"

   Ladies, before you moisturize your elbows, know that I've never heard 2 guys, "How were her elbows?" "Oh, they was moist."

   you know you're getting old when the morning after pill is a percocet

   decorating for my stupid sisters baby shower using condoms as balloons..

   I noticed a lot of celebrities seem to drown in the bathtub...Perhaps a business that tattoos "industrial grade" sand strips to their asses is in order. I'm looking for investors! ツ

   I am giving up a few negative people for lent. So, if you call,text,tweet or email and I don't get to back to you?? Odds are it was you.

   Laxatives are the best cough suppressant.

   The one reason I could never become a vegetarian....Bacon.

   Loves how my niece thinks "scratching my back" is a "game"

   Nothing says I can't pull out like a mini van.

   And to think, you were the fastest swimmer on conception day!

   I have just created a new Facebook group called, "I am using my neighbour's wi-Fi"

   *Press a toy in the store* *won't stop making noises *slowly walk away*

   That demoralising moment when you're starting a new chapter of your life only to realize that's it's exactly the same as the last chapter.

   Ugly women with bad attitudes get on my damn nerves.

   Sometimes I think I was put on this earth as god's way to punish some people.

   There are very, very few things it's ok to say to someone at the next urinal. "You must take vitamins", is not one of them....

   There's no sense in crying over spilled milk....... Oh, it was beer? Carry on then. :(

   The world's oldest profession? Unemployment.